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Liverpool: The Number Two Project

Radio Roger gets stuck in and interviews a dog about doings

Published on January 26th 2011.

Liverpool: The Number Two Project

RADIO Roger stared at his next guest across the table; he knew it was rude, he knew some guests may be put off by him staring, open mouthed. But, try as he might, he couldn’t help himself. In all his years of radio he’d never sat in a studio, waiting for the news to finish, watching a guest lick their own genitalia, other than that one time the Moscow State Circus had been in. But he didn’t like to think about that.

“One minute, Radio Roger,” said the producer over his headphones, dragging him back from his reverie.

“Erm, less than one minute,” said Radio Roger to his guest.

“Ready when you are” the guest replied, as he scratched behind his ear. The producer gave a thumbs up and Radio Roger leapt into action.

“Welcome to a special edition of the Radio Roger show, as you will know, yesterday we carried a feature on the AA StreetWatch Report that declared that Liverpool’s pavements are the worst in the country for dog muck fouling, now as you will know that resulted in many calls with people complaining, and we thought it only fair to bring in a guest to speak on behalf of the city's dogs, so with me now I have Boo the dog. Hello Boo”

“Good afternoon, Roger”

“Now I can imagine you were, ahem, barking mad about the calls yesterday.”

“Is that going to be the level of this debate Roger? I’ve taken an afternoon off work for this.”

“I do apologise, I didn’t mean to upset you, I don’t want to end up in the dog house”

Boo rolled his eyes and growled.

“Look, I don’t come in here taking the piss about you walking on two legs and wearing clothes, so I’ll thank you to lay off the dog gags! This is a serious topic that needs addressing.”

“Of course, I’m sorry, please forgive me. Erm well, you dogs took a lot of stick yesterday on the phone in, that must have been very hurtful”

“It was Radio Roger, I was lying on the couch listening, that gobshite I live with was out and...”

“Your owner?”

“Please Roger, this is the 21st century, we’ve moved on from being mere chattels for you to do as you please, I’d rather you didn’t objectify me, as I was saying, I was lying on the couch and I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. People blaming us for making a mess on the floor.”

“In fairness to our callers it is you who leaves the deposit.”

“It’s not fair to victimise us for not having opposable thumbs Roger! If I could tie a knot in a poo bag, I would!"

“So what would you have the council do?”

“Well Rog, I heard their spokesman saying they intended to set higher fines than are currently in place in an effort to deter the people we are walking from leaving our mess on the floor. Well that just patently isn’t going to work is it?”

“So you are saying the council are barking up the wrong tree?”

“Last warning.”


“What I am saying is that it is pointless spending a week debating changing the level of fines, if nobody is going to enforce them. It would be easier to coordinate the legion of community wardens dotted around the city into a task force that could focus on specific areas on a rota basis, targeting the problem with fines and education. I’ve lost count of the number of times I see dogs walking around without a human on the end of a leash, which alone should be addressed with a fine, because I’ll wager you a bone that these are the same people who don’t pick up our poo. Just by enforcing that bylaw negates the need to catch irresponsible dog owners in the act of not picking up our mess... the whole thing is cack-handed, oh god you’ve got me doing it now.”

“So by using the existing system that is in place correctly, the problem could be tackled?”

“Yes, without any need for new bylaws and changes in fines. Just enforce the ones that are in place currently, correctly.”

“Good lord, that’s a great idea, have you ever thought of running for office?”

“The only thing I'm running for is a ball.”

“Well, Boo, thanks for coming in.”

“I just wanted to mention these new bins Roger”

“I’m sorry, we haven’t got time for that, because now it’s time for our new show with Broadcaster Billy, “Isn’t everything nowadays shit? Not like in the old days?”

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BendyGirlJanuary 21st 2011.

I Love Boo!

The Big SisJanuary 21st 2011.

I knew behind Boos eyes, there has always been an all knowing mind!! Hes very deep!

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