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Foaming at the mouth: Blame Coldplay

Mathew Sloane spills his bile about the state of music

Written by . Published on July 10th 2012.


Foaming at the mouth: Blame Coldplay

HOME copying is not killing recorded music. Idiots with self inflated senses of talent and self worth are killing it, and they’re doing a mighty job of it. 

The sale of guitars needs to be restricted by law. In much the same way your average punter cannot buy handguns, grenades and so on, there needs to be a process whereby individuals wishing to enter the noble world of musicianship should be interviewed and psychologically evaluated before being allowed within shredding distance of this most versatile of instruments. 

'These charlatans need to be hung
by the colon from a burning tree'

I say this because I am sick beyond belief of listening to appallingly bad music. 

It is everywhere. It may be some LIPA-spawned imbecile banging on about “Yesterday Is The New Tomorrow” or some other cack-handed attempt at profundity; it may be a marijuana-fuddled gobshite screaming his damaged lungs out about trees or “politishins”. 

Worst of all it could be the purest form of evil – somebody who, whilst technically gifted, has the artistic and emotional talent of a horse’s bollock but insists on “getting out the guitar” as soon as there are more than three people in a room. 

These charlatans need to be hung by the colon from a burning tree. 

I witness these bastards all of the time, parading the title “singer/songwriter” as thing of merit when it needs to be more correctly employed as a vile castigation and badge of contempt. 

I know some great musicians, truly great, and I’m pleased to say that they are doing well – in their quiet and unassuming way and that the good musicians I know are proper, functioning people. They enjoy a pint and a knob joke as much as the next lad and don’t spend time telling you how amazing they were supporting some pissant mime act in a disused women’s refuge in Uttoxeter. 

Proper musicians have beards and make your legs fall off when they sing. Proper musicians ask you what you’re drinking after a gig, not what you thought of the chorus in "I Can’t Believe She’s Gone And All That" or whatever self-loathing claptrap they were pouring out to a bunch of braindead buzz-vacuums who think they’re witnessing the ‘next big thing’ as opposed to the Mathew Street Festival’s latest moron. 

I used to bob along to the open mic nights down at Hannah’s Bar. Ogo, the host, is a talented lad, well worthy of a listen. And then it would happen, some simpering little girl abusing a guitar with a pathetic attempt at playing the thing and her and her mate dueting some bollocks about ‘the falling leaves of my regret’. Get out. Nobody cares. 

I guess that’s the point I want to make – nobody could give a flying rat’s teat for your troubles or your heartbreak, what we want is music. Proper, brilliant music. 

I would say that the collective snot-rag that calls itself Coldplay must be held to blame for a lot of the lame tripe that hits your ears like a pair of par-boiled undercrackers. I thought those crying scarecrows had topped the prick list by having the gloriously unfunny Simon Pegg open their set but then I remembered the triumvirate of tedium that was Coldplay PLUS Gary Barlow PLUS professional nostalgia monkey Peter bastard Kay. 

Seriously. I believe that this unholy collective are responsible for a nationwide drop in testosterone and carnal desire. 

Ladies – and gents for that matter – if your fella hasn’t been pushing your buttons the way he used to, blame Coldplay. Blame them for everything that isn’t quite terrible or lethal but remains constant annoyance in your life. They are the sciatica of the music world. 

I will round off with a truly delightful and wonderful moment from my past. Bass guitar hero and former member of the very proper and mighty Cecil – Jason Bennett - spies some frail, corduroy hearted shit for brains suiting up with a six string… 

“Put that down love, you might hurt yourself.”

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24 comments so far, continue the conversation, write a comment.

AnonymousJuly 10th 2012.

I understand this is merely your own opinion, which your entitled to, but I can't agree with you at all.
You may not agree with their music for whatever reason (that it's sappy or whatever) but you can't deny that they're probably the biggest, most popular band in the world right and have managed to stay 'relevant' since their first album. Chris Martin and the rest of the band could have the biggest ego's yet the seem to be the most modest, down to earth group going around. The bands also heavily involved in charity work.
I don't understand why you're having a go at a band like Coldplay when there are other artists who can't play any instruments, sing pointless songs about going to clubs and getting drunk in auto tune and appear to have little to no talent. Rant complete :)

1 Response: Reply To This...
AnonymousJuly 10th 2012.

Call that a rant? You sound the sort of simpering bedwetter that he was talking about!

Mark HammondJuly 10th 2012.

Yes, yours is a rant, and is of course PURE BOLLOCKS!
Trouble is, it is so easy, and tiresome, and so last century, to sit at your keyboard, all nerdy-ish, and trot out the same as the last hard-bittened journo, who has a fave band that never gets any airplay, because they are in fact CRAP. And of course, it's all hearsay, because said journo, or indeed you Mr Sloane (oh, the irony!) have never got off your lazy arses and actually been to a concert or even actually spoken to any fans.
By their own admission, they're not the best musicians, they're not the best lyricists, they're not the best singers, but ferk me, can they put on a show!
I pay money to be entertained. I want to be stood up in my seat for the duration, jumping, bopping, singing my heart out with 40 thousand like minded souls.
And that's what you get.
What I also like is that Chris quietly goes on Oxfam tours with Emily Eavis, and the group have donated millions to Kid's Company, http://www.kidsco.org.uk/
Take your time and c&p it, you'll learn a lot, I know I did.
And with CP, what you definitely don't get, is some self-righteous, hand-wringing, pious arse-hole, preaching to us about saving the world, then jumping in his limo, taking him to his private jet, that's taking hime to his tax haven.
Appreciate this article is to cause a reaction, but you could debunk it at the end, but then I suppose that would sort of lose you street points.

1 Response: Reply To This...
AnonymousJuly 10th 2012.

Ask Joe Satriani what he thinks about the Coldplay millions they give away, some of it was nicked from him.....bunch of tea leaves!

AnonymousJuly 10th 2012.

Groan. Insincerely "angry" rants-to-order by wannabe journalists are tedious enough but badly-written, ill-informed ones are interminable.

1 Response: Reply To This...
EverybodyJuly 10th 2012.

OOOOOOOHHHH!!!

Darth FormbyJuly 10th 2012.

Tell 'em twice Matty! You're wrong about the beards though. Blondie wouldn't have been as good if Debbie Harry had a beard.

Big BennoJuly 11th 2012.

Three things:

1) The only reason people bring up coldplays charity work is because deep down they know they have NO OTHER WORTH.
2) Chris Martin is a twat. I know as I have met him on several occasions.
3) Mr Mark Hammond, anyone 'who uses 'pious', 'bopping' and 'street points' in a piece of writing is, how shall I put it, and arse piece.
4) while we are banging on about charity, does anyone know how much those flashy wristbands cost to produce per gig? I do. 400 grand. Money I would imagine that would be better off in the pocket of a charity than left to be swept up from the floor of a venue. But they looked lovely and twinkly though.

5 Responses: Reply To This...
AnonymousJuly 12th 2012.

Anyone who claims to have met a celebrity is even more of 'and' arse-piece. How do you know it cost 400 grand? Did "Chris" tell you this when you allegedly met him? Could make your last point about all light shows and overheads at gigs really couldn't we? Where does it end? Bravo though. Benno for president.

Mark HammondJuly 13th 2012.

I take it you're at the end of your life, it's raining, and you're out of milk.........what a sad, sad person you are. Your only enjoyment is to knock other people, and what they find enjoyable.
I work hard, and have absolutely no problem giving some of my hard earned to a group of people who's music I enjoy. I pay for other forms of entertainment too, but I don't want to give you another load of amunition, enough to arm a Longbow Apache!.......because I could be spending all my free time and money fighting malaria in Africa, and you'd still take the mick out of that.
I also love the fact that other people's enjoyment so really gets on the nerves of others, such that they have to spend time knocking them, so two targets in one......how very, very time consuming.....and according to you, a waste of resources.
You don't know me, and I don't know you, and while I would discuss any piece of writing, I certainly wouldn't call them 'and (sic) arse piece', but then my brilliant parents taught me to respect others.

ClancyJuly 13th 2012.

I know you, Mr Hammond, you used to be in Skippy didn't you?

Darth FormbyJuly 13th 2012.

'Arse piece', is a splendid and under utilised term Mark.

Mark HammondJuly 24th 2012.

Not being familiar with the term, I Googled it, ended up on some homo-erotic website where the said term was used in conjunction with the word 'fisting' saying it was common usage together, and that anyone using such terminology was a 'knob jockey'.
I rest my case.

Darth FormbyJuly 11th 2012.

Go'ed Benno! I'd rather listen to a cold turd than Coldplay.

Absinthe & TurksJuly 13th 2012.

Isn't Coldplay the dreary soundtrack to every BBC advert aimed at middle-aged festival-goers?

Prof. ChucklebuttyJuly 13th 2012.

Mr Sloane, I'm afraid your entire argument is flawed here. If I have read this piece correctly you seem to be making the point that everything hinges on beards. Now while a hinged beard would be very useful when eating soup- stop it getting full of dribbles and bits I cannot see that it is any guarantee of musical ability. And to prove the fallacy of your argument about cold plates, your position is further undermined by the photograph at the top of this piece.

At least two of them have beards in that photo and the rest of them have enough stubble growth to be well on the way towards a beard!

Does that make them any better? No, of course it doesn't.

If you had done a little research into Rock history before sounding off, you might have discovered that the downfall and eventual split (live on sunday night at the London Palladium) of The Bachelors (My Diane - Charmaine) can be pinpointed to the time when to the outrage of the others, the double bass player had suddenly grown a beard and went on stage with them, bold as brass on the very night Lord Delfont was in. As may you know Con and Dec were the Galapagos brothers of the day, signed by Island reords and the inspiration for Oasis, who basically copied their style years later.

Well the brothers felt that the beard was not in keeping with the image they wanted and kicked his arse out of the band as soon as the curtain came down to a shocked and silent audience. Although their dynasty continues with sons Ant And Dec, the double bass player quickly vanished. Even I can't remember his name.

The beard alone was not enough for a solo career. It may work for Roger Whittaker, Anita Harris, Dennis Roussos and Blondie (as somebody pointed out) but to say that this is the so-called x-factor does not hold up to scrutiny.

You have also neglected to mention the influence of Victor Kiam on bearded performances when he bought the Remmington company. This made it much easier to shave when in the tour bus and it meant Nana Mouskouris could stop wearing those thick wooly tights.

I need only mention Ladyshave Gaga. To prove my point.

I am sorry to be critical, but you would benefit from a little more research.

1 Response: Reply To This...
Darth FormbyJuly 13th 2012.

Thanks prof, I didn't know that Roger Whittaker's beard had gone solo. What songs is it doing? 'I'm going to leave old Roger's face'?

EverybodyJuly 13th 2012.

Quite right too Prof

1 Response: Reply To This...
Nick FrostiesJuly 13th 2012.

well, he needed to be taken down a Simon Pegg or two.

AnonymousJuly 13th 2012.

Yay to the Prof

And apart fom someone called Cecil who has passed me by, who exactly do you like?

Hmm

AnonymousJuly 13th 2012.

I don't blame Coldplay for bad music, I blame the X Factor. Coldplay, as bland and cynical as they are, isn't the reason for the prevalence of bad music - the prospect of instant fame and money is.

AnonymousAugust 4th 2012.

Coldplay are responsible

Absinthe & TurksAugust 4th 2012.

Why don't bands smile in their photographs? Don't they realise how silly they look pretending to be surly teenagers at their ages?

Karen HollowayAugust 16th 2013.

Mathew Sloane.....yes, they saw us through the early 2000'ths we were happy with their input, the drummer was from portswood they had a class, it ws working.....then...... to now

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