The One To Watch: Coleen's 21st

21 today... 21 today... She's got the key of the door.... The door to the £150,000-a-night Thornton Hall, that is. Croxteth's most famous girl has hired it for her star-studded party this weekend.

Ooh. Will she be getting any good pressies? How about a whopping £1.5 million, which is what Scrote! Magazine are paying her for the exclusive picture rights to the do, and also for her wedding to Wayne next year.

Where's our invite? Don't be daft.

Who is going, then? All Wayne's footy mates for a start. In fact, just to get things warmed up, on Saturday afternoon Wayne has booked them all in for a session with Hooka.

Bloody hell! How does he get away with it? Not that sort. Hooka is the uber-trendy male grooming salon in Liverpool. Roo has taken it over for the day so that 30 partygoers can have their “backs, sacks and cracks” looking their best for the Scrote! cameras.

Is it fancy dress? No. The theme is circus. A big top has been erected behind 18ft high walls at the Wirral manor house. Wayne is the ringmaster who will greet the guests and, alongside acrobats and trapeze artists, funfair rides will be on offer.

Teacups? Better than that. There will be a magic carpet-style ride that seats 20 people and is renowned for making people feel queasy.

They could saved a few bob and all gone to the kebab house on Dwerryhouse Lane for that. This is class, pal. The ride is called Freestyle and celebrities, including Posh and Becks, Girls Aloud and Sven Goran Eriksson, will be hoisted up and shaken about.

Isn't that what Wayne does to referees? This will be a friendly party. Indeed, to avoid a repeat of the ugly scenes at Coleen's 18th at the Devonshire House, guests have been issued with a six page book.

Coleen's autobiography? No. This is a booklet telling people how to behave. All camera phones will be confiscated, requests for autographs are forbidden, and guests will be frisked on the way in.

Very friendly. Will there be music? Unfortunately Take That and Westlife turned the birthday girl down. But Will Rogers, the DJ from The Lobster pub in Croxteth, said “yes”. And P Diddy will also be giving a live performance.

Will he be bringing his tickling stick? I was talking about the gangsta-rapper actually.

Do say (if Coleen decides to speak to you): Happy birthday. You deserve this after all the hard work you do.

Don't say (if Coleen decides to speak to you): It's a bit poncy in here. We're getting off to the Grafton for Grab-a-Granny Night. Do you think Wayne might be up for it?