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The Laz Word by Larry Neild

Forget spiders, why can't town be more, well...doggy style?. Our columnist gets a new pet subject

Published on September 8th 2008.

The Laz Word by Larry Neild

THANKS to La Machine, I’ve resolved a problem that’s been troubling me for some time. The giant spider crawled around the city and made its way to the Albert Dock. And guess what, none of the uniformed guards at the dock did anything to stop the creature making its way across their cobbled roadways.

The heart of the city is far from dog friendly. There are no obvious dog exercise areas for pet owners living or working here. When you think about it, there are very few areas of green for us humans to enjoy either

Yet if I venture into that area with my friendly pooch, the both of us will be chucked out. So the answer’s staring me in a waggie tail... invest in a mechanical canine.

I bet those guards wouldn’t bat an eyelid if I strolled through the dock accompanied by La Dog. I’m sure I can get a mechanical leg that will rise at the press of a button to enable La Dog to leave his calling card.

Whether the spider will make it easier for fellow members of the animal kingdom to co-exist alongside humans in the city centre remains to be seen.

The heart of the city is far from dog friendly. There are no obvious dog exercise areas for pet owners living or working here. When you think about it, there are very few areas of green for us humans to enjoy either. Even London has grassed squares and parkland.

If the predications are to be believed within a few years there will be 20,000 people living in the city centre. Those people need “green” lungs for exercise and recreation and, for those moving in with children, play areas.

As a regular city centre dog-walker I’m well aware of the difficulties we canine owners face. Maybe some people think city centres are no places for dogs in any case.

Surely we need a mix of family types in the heart of the city, which is why there are policies to ensure major schemes include a proportion of three- or four-bedroomed homes to cater for families.

It will be interesting to see what happens when the wraps are taken off Chavasse Park on October 1. The posters showed doggies gambolling on the green space. Let’s wait and see.

Not long ago, doggie and myself were shown the gate at St Nick’s church gardens by a man of the cloth. It’s a good job Joseph and Mary didn’t evict the four-legged friends out of the Bethlehem stable; that would make every Nativity display look a little sparse.

A few months before that, we two enjoyed a convivial evening at the Britannia Aldephi. Eileen Downey and co welcome well behaved animals, and once the hotel provide accommodation for Roy Roger’s faithful horse, Trigger. The same evening me and the dog were chucked out of what I still call Kirklands. We weren’t too bothered, it’s gone to the dogs anyway, in the past few years.

So thanks to the wonderful Spider from me and my soon-to-be companion La Dog. Whoever came up with the concept of such a creature visiting Liverpool in deserves a big mention on the 08 web. Last week I said we are entitled to one big indulgence this year and, for once, I pay tribute to the Capital of Culture Company for a brilliant piece of street theatre. Five star, 10 out of 10 entertainment for the masses.

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59 comments so far, continue the conversation, write a comment.

DigSeptember 8th 2008.

Yeah I know ye olde worldy English of WAG is a card, a wit etc, but who uses that term these days? Well I stand corrected and apologise if I have the wrong end of the stick, but if that person is a bloke but he needs to pull himself into the 21st century and I still have my spade, just in case. Saying that if it is a bloke, calling himself Liverpool Wag is rather witty. Still, I stand by my original arguments about the city and its vicinity to parks.

rusty SpikeSeptember 8th 2008.

Frankly, the sight of dog owners shuffling about clutching plastic bags of dog poo is not a pleasant concept...cat owners' dont....or those with giraffes...yours, a dog hater

DigSeptember 8th 2008.

Nobody I know uses the term 'WAG' as in 'Card' any more. No family, friends or work colleagues at all. Maybe we're all illiterate eh? I live in a village in the north of Liverpool. Most of my friends and family live in a town nearby. What relevance that has I don't know, except to prove you're wrong about 'my lot moving here'. Where do/did you think I'm from?

Poo Poo ChannelSeptember 8th 2008.

Steady on Larry, the only thing the culture company contributed to this was somebody saying how about getting something like the people who did the Kings Rhinoceros in Leeds and then committing money to it that they didn't have because they had wasted it all on pay-offs and god knows what. All the credit for the event goes to the Artichoke company, rather than the Farty Joke Company!

DigSeptember 8th 2008.

My hands are up up. You all have me figured out. Ha Ha. WAG everything I said was designed to wind you up. I have 3 words for you. HOOK, LINE and SINKER. Love Lane you're almost right. Just rewrite your rant without 'as a WAG'. Then again Mickey Thomas's daughter who plays for Liverpool Ladies is beautiful! So on 2nd thoughts leave that wag bit in...

Love LaneSeptember 8th 2008.

I say, 'Liverpool wag'; will you help me get Dig into his special jacket that fastens up the back?

DigSeptember 8th 2008.

I was standing up for my point Prof. Somebody attacked me and I proved myself correct. Although the ambiguity surrounding Liverpool Wag confuses and scares me. Altho Nadia intrigues me. I like a strict disciplinarian cos as I proved earlier I do need to be told off now and again.

DigSeptember 8th 2008.

I do actually have a professional profession although I do it as unprofessionally as possible.

Liverpool wagSeptember 8th 2008.

Don't call me "darling".

Penny LaneSeptember 8th 2008.

I am not a snob, just a Liverpudlian sick of seeing any old thick-as-two-short-planks loudmouth claiming to speak for Liverpool. It happens all the time, and this one's a woolyback from Fazakerley.

London RoadSeptember 8th 2008.

We used to have mature people on the city council...but that's another Storey.

R. E. TrieverSeptember 8th 2008.


DigSeptember 8th 2008.

Where are you Prof? I need your help. I'm being bullied. (Not by very good bullies tho) Sshhh. I need your help my friend, I can't fend them off forever!! WHERE ARE YOU PROFESSOR CHUCKLEBUTTY???? HELP ME!!!!

rusty SpikeSeptember 8th 2008.

death to all dogs....

GedSeptember 8th 2008.

self-indulgent twaddle. I would prefer a hole in the road....

William MervynSeptember 8th 2008.

Indeed! "Gobbing the Curate" was normal accepted behaviour when I was a young vicar!

DigSeptember 8th 2008.

I think I know what word you're talking about WAG. I have to agree with you. I am one of those and quite a few other things! How very perceptive of you. Well done. Love Lane?!? Are you asking WAG to join in a bit of light bondage with you & me? I don't think WAG knows about you and me...

DigSeptember 8th 2008.

Ha ha not an American. Born in Fazakerley. Always lived not far from there. But far enough to say I don't live in Fazakerley. Anyway, what's wrong with group hugs if you're a modern Scouse man?!

DigSeptember 8th 2008.

Is that the best you can do WAG? Just tell me I'm wrong on both counts? Surely an intelligent response would be to counter my points with some hard facts to prove me wrong. So until you do that darling......

DigSeptember 8th 2008.

It would appear there's a few Wags on these LC pages and a few people who regularly use that term here. So with that in mind I shall adopt wag/card into my vocabulary and delete wag/wives and girlfriends when I am conversing on LC. I apologise, stand corrected and appreciate all constructive criticism of my vocabulary. Now, can we have group hug?

Liverpool wagSeptember 8th 2008.

No we don't have a small city centre in comparison with others. What other city centre stretches the distance up to Newsham Park which is almost in Old Swan? And don't credit Billy Connolly with the "no such thing as bad weather" line.

HelpfulSeptember 8th 2008.

I think you will find the Prof is the headline story at the moment, Dig, old chap. It will be easier to navigate than to Newsham Park

The Man on the Garston OmnibusSeptember 8th 2008.

You're digging yourself into a deeper hole, Dig...

Our Man at St. Mark'sSeptember 8th 2008.

Unlikely, All Fours; curates are C of E, not the other lot.

Love LaneSeptember 8th 2008.

Y'see, Dig fancies himself as a wag...

Dalmatia StreetSeptember 8th 2008.

It seems unfair that a respectable citizen (with a pocket full of poo-bags) cannot take his or her well-disciplined dog into the Albert Dock when fat, tattooed scallies are allowed to take their sticky, leaking, ill-disciplined children in!

Liverpool wagSeptember 8th 2008.

I often use the term "wag" in that context. But then I have a fairly wide vocabulary.

Liverpool WagSeptember 8th 2008.

Dig, the world could do with more people like you. Take no notice to Penny Lane who is a snob, which is just as bad as being a sexist pig. Now, shall we all talk about Larry's column this week. This one is a week old.

Dave the RaveSeptember 8th 2008.

I thought it was a different kind of dogging at Otterspool?

DigSeptember 8th 2008.

We only have a small City Centre in comparison with a lot of others. You only have to travel a mile or 3 out of the City Centre to find plenty of green space. Otterspool Promenade, Newsham, Sefton, Princes, Wavertree and Stanley Park has the north, east and south of the city suitably covered. Other larger city centres would easily stretch out and encompass Otterspool, Newsham, Sefton and Princes. So pretend they're in the city and go for a walk to one of those lovely parks or Otterspool Prom. Even if it's raining, as Billy Connolly said, 'There's no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothes'.

Peter StreetSeptember 8th 2008.

No wonder 25 pubs a week are closing down. As one can no longer smoke in them or indeed take a dog inside they have no reason to exist for traditional pub-goers.

Liverpool wagSeptember 8th 2008.

Dig, you are a patronising and sexist pig. What makes you think I am a woman? And if I was, I would not care to be spoken to like that. I'm watching you.

Sgt. Peter GibbsSeptember 8th 2008.

Are you the village idiot by any chance?

Barking madSeptember 8th 2008.

I think "amazed" could do with a dog. What if you live in the city centre and you want a little schitzu? Eh?

Rod WeillerSeptember 8th 2008.

Peter Street you are wrong: You can still take a dog inside the Living Room.

Robertson HareSeptember 8th 2008.

OooooOOOhh Calamity, Bishop!William,Derek, sorry I was a bit late coming in there, Donald Sinden tried to muscle in

Jack RussellSeptember 8th 2008.

Terry-Eur you're wrong, feckless people pushing baby buggies (with one hand as they're smoking/eating/using a mobile phone with the other) are the "fascists"! They go about barging into the law-abiding scraping their ankles, scuffing their shoes and tearing ladies' hosiery! Even inside shops! Where are these so-called Community Support Officers?

Rusty SpikeSeptember 8th 2008.

and for gawd's sake how sad that these folk carry around little shovels....sad bastards....

Liverpool wagSeptember 8th 2008.

I might be a bloke, I might not be. Dig. I'm still witty though, aren't I? Extra witty if I am a bird, I think you will find.

albert dockSeptember 8th 2008.

The End.

DigSeptember 8th 2008.

Sorry sweetheart. From Liverpool Royal Hospital (City Centre) to Judges Lane, Newsham Park (nearly in Old Swan) is 1.4 miles. From Salford Central to Picadilly (both well within opposing ends of Manchester City Centre) an amazing 1.4 miles. Also other people may have said the 'Wrong clothes' saying, but I watched a Billy Connolly tour and he said it. I didn't credit him with creating the proverb, I merely said, 'as Billy Connoly said'. Which he did. See love? Facts. Points and cases. It's not difficult to create an argument to back up a rant, unless, it seems, if you're a wag.

Bonzo BurgessSeptember 8th 2008.

Somebody once wrote 'never trust a man who doesn't like dogs' and here's me thinking the LC crowd were a jolly crowd. I live in the city centre and Laz is correct in saying the 'break out' areas are few and far between for humans, let alone the few four-legged animals living in the centre. There aren't many trees or green areas in our city centre. That's why its largely a ghetto for single/professionals who do nothing but work/pub,restaurant/sleep.

NadiaSeptember 8th 2008.

Who is this Dig who speaks with such disrespect to woman? I am hot Russian lady and I look for professional man in Liverpool to treat me well and I will provide services in own home for mans like this. Dig does not have any lady to show good time to I think.

Terry EurSeptember 8th 2008.

Jack Russell is a fascist too. Dogs have evrry place in the city centre. How dare you say not.

Derek NimmoSeptember 8th 2008.

Did you not punch the "man of the cloth", Laz?

All foursSeptember 8th 2008.

"Gobbling the curate" more like.

Love LaneSeptember 8th 2008.

The yellow van at once! He's gibbering!

Collie WobblesSeptember 8th 2008.

No dogs. I can think of a few people I'd ban then.

Liverpool wagSeptember 8th 2008.

Wag is not the word I would use to describe you Dig. But is does begin with W and A

Russian DriveSeptember 8th 2008.

Ah! Dig's roof has definitely moved! Prepare his special rubber room!

William MervynSeptember 8th 2008.

'Oh calamity!' indeed Robertson! He is indubitably a foul-mouthed twerp. Has anyone checked the collection-box?

DigSeptember 8th 2008.

Oh and to answer your question Liverpool Wag, What makes me think you are a woman? Your name 'Liverpool Wag' would indicate to EVERYBODY that you're a woman. You could be somebody pretending but, as I said your name would indicate that you're a woman. I thought that would be pretty obvious actually. Some people....

R. BoreophileSeptember 8th 2008.

We used to have mature trees in Church Street and Lord Street until our vile City Council killed them.

gedSeptember 8th 2008.

Thank Christ for the Prof. He's the only one who talks any sense....

Woof justiceSeptember 8th 2008.

You are wrong "amazed". Most dog owners are responsible people who carry plastic bags around with them. I bet they didn't do that at the Nativity and Mr Neild should have perhaps revealed his stash to the man in St Nick's graveyard.

amazedSeptember 8th 2008.

This is piss poor stuff. Is this the best Larry can come up with now? First it was wandering around with some DIY water diviner, and now its essays on 'why my dog deserves to be let in all kinds of places'. Perhaps Larry should spend some time in Anfield picking his way through the dog dirt littering the streets as a result of the thoughtless behaviour of their owners, and he might get it.

Terry-EurSeptember 8th 2008.

I think Dalmatia street is not spot on, but a fascist.

DigSeptember 8th 2008.

Oh crap, not you as well Nadia. Seems you all have me figured out. Where's that noose again? Who are you? No! Let go! I want to do it! No don't put me in the yellow van! No! Not the yellow van! Get off me!! AAAHHH Help me!!

DigSeptember 8th 2008.

Am I? How's that? Anyway, I have a spade. I could always dig my way out.

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