'Size does not matter'

LIVERPOOL was left coming to terms with this morning's shock news that Peel Holdings has been forced to drastically “downsize” its plans for its North Liverpool dockland regeneration scheme - announcing that no building will now be more than 15 storeys high.

Initially it was believed the £5bn “Liverpool Waters” development had fallen foul of the hosepipe ban, but a leaked document (honest) showed that English Heritage was worried that Peel's planned Shanghai-style skyscrapers, going all the way up to the Bootle Smell, could be harmful to the Liverpool waterfront's status as a World Heritage Site.

Councillor Barry Bodgeit (Dib Dab Done Deal Alliance) said “Last year we managed to get Mr Wonder, Mr Charles and that bloke who was in Peters and Lee to approve my cousin Neville's plans for Mann Island.

“We told them he was really good at art and was expected to get at least a C in his GCSE so they were happy to let us throw that up, literally.

“I mean, I was a bit bilious when I saw them for the first time, but nobody else seemed that bothered.

“Now they are saying they are worried that our plans for skyscrapers by The Goat pub are detrimental to our World Heritage Site status.”

When challenged about the shorter buildings, Councillor Bodgeit replied: “I have discussed this with all the relevant departments and they assure me size does not matter.

“However,” he revealed, “we are also looking at a number of other options to get round it.

“These include lowering the sky, widening the Mersey, making the ceilings very low in the buildings so we can put more floors in or - and this is more cost effective we feel - asking people that when they pass the buildings they crouch down so as to make the buildings look taller.”

Cllr Bodgeit added: What we have to remember is that the cities of Birmingham, Coventry and London desperately need the construction jobs this scheme will provide. As do the people who make those little “To Let” signs, and my Uncle Frank makes them. He’s been struggling since we never bothered chucking up the world’s tallest building in Otterspool last year, or the year before, or the one before that, or ....”

*Next week – exclusive: We ask Tom Cruise for advice and tips on making short things look taller.