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Manchester Confidential to suspend itself

Following complaints Manchester Confidential is to discipline itself and do something or other: also breaking news about new Doctor Who

Published on October 30th 2008.


Manchester Confidential to suspend itself

Manchester Confidential has decided to suspend itself.

Articles and features on Manchester’s premier independent magazine over the last eighteen months have resulted in numerous complaints – some from people who can even spell correctly.

Here at Manchester Confidential we have been forced to acknowledge that this site has been guilty of being cruel and insensitive about waiters (including ones from Barcelona), chefs, restaurants, political figures, buildings, small-minded local newspapers and many other well respected figures of Manchester life who find it unfair to be criticised in any way, whatsoever.

Confidential deeply regrets simply ripping up the manuel (surely manual, ed?) on what is allowable in the Manchester media, namely polite trivia written in the offended tone of a Daily Mail reader from Bramhall who finds things in cities a bit troubling. It promises to go much further over the next eighteen months.

Gordo Brand, the publisher, appeared visibly pissed...er...upset on the steps of the Spear Street headquarters of Confidential this morning, as he issued the following statement.

“It is with deep regret that I have decided to suspend the site because of what I, the publisher, the editor, and others, have repeatedly written. As I only do the site to make people laugh and give them an alternative view of city life I've decided, given the outrage, to carry on regardless."

A short while ago, a smug...er shaken... Jonathan Dosh exclusively told Confidential: “I understand Gordo’s decision completely. He has to go. As for me I’m deeply sorry and greatly regret the upset and distress that my juvenile and thoughtless remarks have caused. To show how sorry I am, I will take a huge pay cut from £16m a year to £24m a year with immediate effect. Does anybody want me to come round and make gratuitous sexual remarks about their family?”

David Walliams of Little Britain told Confidential: “The whole thing smacks of hypocrisy. In our show we would never go as far as the comments Jonathan Dosh made. Next he’ll be laughing at disabled people, mocking the uneducated and mentioning anal sex acts and bestiality in a Welsh context. It’s too much. Does anybody want me to come round dressed as a woman and suckle on a mother figure?”

The BBC is 86-years-old and very, very confused.

Breaking news......

Following David Tennant standing down as Doctor Who at the National Television Awards last night, Russell Brand has agreed to take on the role. Brand told Confidential: “I’m going to use the Tardis and travel back in time: make sure none of this unfortunate business ever happened.”

On other pages today

Whooah! Who are the fittest grand-daughters (aged 20 plus) of actors today: our top ten. IN FULL COLOUR!

Andrew Sachs wonders is this story bigger than any other since World War II. Or is it even bigger than that?

Julie Birchill asks: 'Doesn't the name Sachs sound like the world sex?"

The Director General speaks out: "Who the hell do those foul mouthed bastards think they are?"

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