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Laz on lap dancing

Larry Neild on the nitty gritty of an itsy bitsy g-string ding dong

Published on August 23rd 2010.

Laz on lap dancing

Talk about Sex in the City!

A report to councillors makes Liverpool seem like the new Soho, with strip joints and lap-dancing bars everywhere. How about celebrating this Sexciting news by changing the name of one of our city centre areas to Sunset Strip?

As she stood there, naked, I asked if there was any chance of a receipt. Helena replied .... does it look like I’ve got a receipt book on me. She had a point. I responded saying.... you’re probably not registered for VAT either.

New rules are on the way to licence and control so-called sexual establishments across the city. City officials say 12 city centre establishments will need from next April a Sexual Entertainment Venue Licence.

It took me back to the last time this issue gained full exposure a few years ago. Liverpool was the only major city to allow dancing girls to do their routine in the all together. Other cities required a modest little garment to be worn throughout the performance. I already had the headline in mind for that night’s Echo ..... Lap dancing with no G-strings attached.

A report in the name of the then Chief Constable wanted councillors to order the wearing of G-strings. There was a war of words as the naked truth spilled over in the committee room at the Municipal Annexe.

One officer described how a g-string was not necessary as the distance between the dancer and the customer meant that everything was a bit of a blur anyway. It was all to do with the number of inches between the eyes of the client and certain parts of the female anatomy. Steamed-up glasses were more likely to be a problem, I thought at the time.

The story made national news and the boss decided some undercover journalism was required, needing a seasoned and experienced hack to get to the bottom of what goes on in these lap-dancing clubs.

So off I went in the search of the facts, fifty quid in my pocket supplied by the cash office at OHS. The trouble with advance exes down at the Post and Echo was if you failed to produce VAT receipts for the dosh paid upfront they’d automatically deduct it from your wages.

Me and accomplice Paul Kennedy set out on a tour of city dancing bars. Helena offered to dance, and she was quite skilled as her few garments were removed, one by one. As Helena was about to remove her final garment, a skimpy g-string, like a true professional I made my excuses, and stayed.

As she stood there, naked, I asked if there was any chance of a receipt. Helena replied .... does it look like I’ve got a receipt book on me. She had a point. I responded saying.... you’re probably not registered for VAT either. Helena nodded in agreement, departing with her fee.

In another club I watched as a sole customer, brief case on the bench next to him, gazed as his dancer performed. It looked sad, a little pathetic, as the guy - probably married - sat there alone in his overcoat, for a bit of pre-tea titillation. Bet he didn’t tell his missus he’d popped in for a quickie (drink that is) on the way home.

Fast forward to 2010 and the sex industry is holding its collective breath as politicians mull over new rules and regulations. A storm in a c-cup could be waiting to erupt, perhaps.

They will require g-strings to be worn whilst performers are on stage, but the wording of the licence conditions alone make steamy reading.

- Customers must remain seated

- Performers must not approach closer than 30cms to any part of a customer (otherwise the enforcers will be after you with their 12-inch rulers)

- Performers must not part their legs, sit or straddle the customer

- Customers must remain appropriately clothed at all times

- Performers must not accept a customer’s telephone no or email address

Should lap-dancing be illegal?

I’m agnostic on the subject but minded to say no. Are they harmless fun? A litmus test would be how many men arrive home from work and tell the wife (after she’s slaved over a hot stove or worked all day) they’d been oogling a naked girl just minutes before. Talk about wanting your tea and eating it.

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12 comments so far, continue the conversation, write a comment.

Weekend SinnerAugust 23rd 2010.

See the Light Bishop, get a life. If we didn't so a spot of sinning there would be no need for churches and you'd be on the dole. Go and find yourself a cute little nun with some dirty habits.

G. StringerAugust 23rd 2010.

So do I.

A. NewmanAugust 23rd 2010.

Men who drive at 90mph and then attend lap-dancing clubs ought to have their details kept on a police register.

Virgin MaryAugust 23rd 2010.

Why are we wasting tax money on such a stupid policy? Who cares if the dancers are naked or wear some decorative floss. It certainly won't impact who is going and why they are going. Instead, we should be looking to the root of the issue as to why the men Laz described want to spend their time and money in such an establishment and why women would want to cater to those men. Please do not state the obvious answers of "animal instinct" for the former and "money" for the latter. On a similar vein [sic], how is Britain to tackle the skills shortages mentioned in the news (www.guardian.co.uk/…/immigration-cap-business-jobs…) if women, 51% of the population, are seeing jobs such as this as aspirational careers and the (mostly) men who run the councils find if their duty to trawl through such silly and pointless legislation?

Bishop JohnAugust 23rd 2010.

All of these places should be closed down immediately. They are most shameful. Lead us Not Into Temptation and Deliver from evil, not INTO evil, says the good Lord. Life started to go downhill when they allowed public ale houses to open beyond 10-30pm. Remember when Sundays were special, public houses opened between noon and 2pm and then from 7pm until 10pm. No wonder attendances at our churches is going down. I think you should ask the good people of Liverpool whether they support these so-called places of entertainment. I will be the first to vote NO!.

The Lord GodAugust 23rd 2010.


AnonymousAugust 23rd 2010.

Tough job, innit, being a journo. Spotted Laz just a few hours ago, trotting along Hanover Street. Wearing his big black 'flasher style' raincoat. Swore he was just popping out to Tesco, I reckon he was on the track of some lap and tickel.

Jock StrappeAugust 23rd 2010.

Why do women want to shack up with footballers? It can't be for the conversation.

GordoAugust 23rd 2010.

I prefer going to watch The Chippendales myself.

Doug SAugust 23rd 2010.


Darth FormbyAugust 23rd 2010.

I agree with you Albert E.

Bash the BishopAugust 23rd 2010.

I'm just going to ask for Gods forgiveness when I'm on my deathbed, just in case he/she is actually there listening. Sinning is too much fun to stop now. Is God an anonymous reader Angie? If he is I'm buggered now.

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