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How pulling a football player works

Tony Schumacher transports some wannabe WAGs in his late night carriage

Published on September 11th 2010.


How pulling a football player works

IT wasn’t that long ago, after a poor midweek performance in Europe by one of our two great football teams, I got a fare in one of the more leafy suburbs of the city.

It was dark and rather late, and drunken and disappointed fans had long since hung up on radio football phone-ins after moaning about about “lack of commitment”.

p>It is us who have put these boys on Olympus. Should we be surprised if they start to act like gods?

I pulled up outside a large, detached house and watched as two visions of loveliness headed down the drive in high heels and mini dresses.

They got in the back and asked for a well-known Liverpool nightspot and off we went.

“I told you I wanted to stay in tonight. I’ve got uni in the morning.”

“You’ve got to come, he told me to bring a mate.”

“I’ve got no money.”

“It’s okay, he always gives me money .”

“Do you think (Player A) will be there? I hope he doesn’t bring his girlfriend, if he is on his own I am going to f*** him tonight. Unless (Player B) is there, I’d sooner do him.”

When we pulled up at the establishment and, as I waited to be paid, I couldn’t help but notice that there were an awful lot of stunning young women standing outside. I watched, as a smart, blacked-out Range Rover arrived and (Player A) got out with someone I assumed to be his girlfriend. The girls outside the car crackled with energy, there were so many pheromones flying around I almost had to put on my wipers.

From the back of my car I heard: “He’s brought that f***ing slag. How am I going to get him alone?”

And with that, my fragrant customers alighted and teetered on impossible high heels, smoothing impossibly tight dresses, towards their rivals and their destiny.

Now, by rights, I should have enjoyed watching them walk away. But, to be honest, I was profoundly depressed. Depressed that in the 21st century these intelligent young woman were prepared

to be summoned, on the single click of wealthy fingers, to a late night city centre bar on the flimsiest of promises.

Jane Austen it wasn’t.

I later joked to a friend that the newspapers would have to change the old story of the National Grid reporting a “power surge as 20 million kettles were switched on at full time” to “20 million hair straighteners being plugged in as the final whistle went”.

I thought of those girls again today as a certain Mr Rooney stayed in the news. A man who might not be blamed for claiming asylum in Switzerland on the grounds that if he returns home his life is in danger (I’ve seen a Croxteth girl kick off and it isn’t pretty).

One wonders who is to blame for the current outbreak of footballing sleaze. It’s easy to point the finger at the players themselves: incredibly rich, hedonistic young scoundrels, laying waste, like phallic scythes, all before them who caress a glass of champagne.

Maybe we should look at the girls, whose apparent lack of self respect and greed distorts their moral compass in such a manner as to make them bed fodder, going along with a liaison that, in their minds, could be the equivalent of a lottery win. Or, as in the most recent, alleged, episode, selling themselves for a grand a time - in return for what they hope will be a grand old time.

Or maybe it is us, we who read the headlines, buy the football shirts and subscribe to Sky. It is us who have put these boys on Olympus. Should we be surprised if they start to act like gods?

And what irony that the very media which put the money in the footballer’s pockets, the one which created these Croesus monsters, is the one that seems intent on bringing them down - only thwarted now and again by super injunctions and lawyers. The media lord giveth, and the media lord taketh away... your celebrity endorsements.

The world moves on, and points of reference change. The days of Dixie Dean eating his fish and chips on the bus home are long gone, and they aren’t coming back. In football there is no pink Echo, only pink lace, and maybe we shouldn’t be surprised that intelligent, beautiful young woman want to get rich using their physical skills. They are only looking at young men who did the same.

And wasn't it Jane Austen who wrote in her novel Mansfield Park: “A large income is the best recipe for happiness I ever heard of.”

47 comments so far, continue the conversation, write a comment.

Red ErikSeptember 7th 2010.

I wouldn't say that values such as loyalty and integrity are interesting, but I'm interested in people that have these values.

Moronic mindsetSeptember 7th 2010.

But they are the only people who have money in Liverpool.

Champagne CharlieSeptember 7th 2010.

Anonymous: Ulrika is a prude, and not a very clever one at that. You seem uncommonly interested in their "fun" too. Was your mother telling you to charge for sex? It sounds like she saw "wifely duties" as recompense for food, shelter and protection and that's sad but not rare among those of a certain background. Red Erik: Nowhere in Tony's article did he suggest married footballers were being pestered - he was talking about girls invited out by footballers to enjoy a lot of noisy drinks (as opposed to slipping out for a quiet one) and probably end the night with sex. Believe it or not this isn't unusual in any section of society. Out in the real world some people like to go out to have fun and party hard, some much harder than others and some are more successful at it than others. These women aren't prostitutes any more than the footballers are clients, they're people with a wild hedonistic lifestyle which some people see fit to criticise.

V. D. CaseSeptember 7th 2010.

No-one said they were prostitutes, they are scrubbers.

Wazza RooneySeptember 7th 2010.

Anybody ever noticed my birds right foot? I only noticed her 6th toe a few months ago and it's put me right off her. That's my excuse for knobbing those birds anyway. You after a bit of fun Liverpool Wag? With a name like that I bet you're always on the prowl for fella's like me or do you only do Liverpool players?

Red ErikSeptember 7th 2010.

Most people can't imagine what it's like to be a top Premiership footballer. When you're young, athletic, good looking and earning £1000,000 plus per week, there are girls out there that would stop at nothing to bag one of them. Imagine sitting in a bar or restaurant with your partner, just the two of you having a romantic meal, and somebody coming up to you and giving you their phone number on a piece of paper with a little message about what they want to do to you. It happens all the time. If this happens when the footballer is with his wife or girlfriend, imagine what it's like when he is out with his team mates. Most men wouldn't be able to resist such temptation, and footballers are only human. As for the girls, like the ones Tony mentions here, if you suggested to them that they were prostituting themselves they would be mortified.

Champagne CharlieSeptember 7th 2010.

Such pious judgementalism GG. Life's mission or just a great night out?

Red ErikSeptember 7th 2010.

@'Alf TimeThat's a good point. There are many good footballers, it's only the ones that stay focused that achieve the "goals" of the likes of Rooney. Having a good, strong partner behind you must help.

Champagne CharlieSeptember 7th 2010.

Ulreeka I wouldn't trust you as far as you could spit (I bet you don't swallow). These women have a different point of view from yours, for them it clearly is a great night out if at the end of the drinking and carousing they get shagged senseless by the physically fittest blokes for miles around. I suggest you wash your hands, go back into the kitchen and make some gingerbread persons for the church fete while watching reruns of Songs of Praise .

Hooray HenriSeptember 7th 2010.

Very readable rants, as always, but Tony's excellent article makes depressing reading. How do we make values like loyalty and integrity interesting? I know the devil has the best tunes but do we have to sing them with such gusto? And, for the benefit of subsequent ranters, fogey can be spelt with or without an "e".

Real LiverpudlianSeptember 7th 2010.

Nightspots claiming to be 'exclusive' should surely keep these sorts of people out.

Red ErikSeptember 7th 2010.

I'd give tuppence for a one uppence

Moronic mindsetSeptember 7th 2010.

@real liverpudlian: They would be fukced if they did.

UlreekaSeptember 7th 2010.

There is nothing wrong with the word Knobbed. Speculating on another poster's sexual pecadillos is quite another thing, very rude and scraping the bottom of the barrel. Typical.

Champagne CharlieSeptember 7th 2010.

Of course I understand that Ulreeka, it's just that I'm not outraged as you are. Your concern at the way these people conduct their courtships smacks of prurience. Their sex lives are their own business and they seem to be having a whole lotta fun.

Gert YakitovSeptember 7th 2010.

Yes but they change ends at half time and have good ball control. Sucking all those oranges is also good practice for dealing with the aspiring WAGS spray on tans.

b4mmySeptember 7th 2010.

Excellent article - perfectly reflects my feelings. I'm ****ing sick of the players being hounded, whilst attractive greedy scumbag slappers are throwing themselves at their feet, all in the desperate hope that they can get their sticky filthy mitts on a few quid... or a rung on 'the' ladder... Yeah, lol'ed at Coleen = "I don't NEED Wayne any more." FFS, she'd be falling over her ****ing Primark slippers to NEED him if she hadn't delivered his sprog, or married him, or been introduced to the glitterati. I hate the ****ing lot of em personally... Sad thing is these type of women seem to all stick together on this issue... even the ones that aren't married to footballers. I hate footballers as well by the way, so all you slappers about to crash my post... join the queue. At the back.

UlreekaSeptember 7th 2010.

A great night out does not equal being knobbed by a premiership footballer at the end of it. Trust me.

Liverpool WagSeptember 7th 2010.

Hilarious yet woeful anecdote KDDDD.

Brian Le BonerSeptember 7th 2010.

Show us yer Tuppence.

Red ErikSeptember 7th 2010.

Yes, but calling Barbados is expensive and it's always engaged.

Champagne CharlieSeptember 7th 2010.

Ah, a new strand to the discussion! "If" is the operative word here. Is it only rich footballers who punch women? Do they do it often enough to criticise the women for being interested in rich, athletic young men. I suspect you are not the real Brown Ale Billy but his smelly-trousered nemesis, Bitter Top.

DigSeptember 7th 2010.

Minging scrubbers bumming bubbly.

UlreekaSeptember 7th 2010.

Charlie, you are such an idiot.

Champagne CharlieSeptember 7th 2010.

You mentioned footballer sex, in rather coarse terms, in your first rant here so clearly you do care about their sex lives.I am saddened that you seem to think that aspiring to the wag lifestyle is something new, the equivalent has existed since the dawn of time. Some people are like that however much you wish they weren't. What's vacuous to you is important to them. It's vacuous to me too but I'm happy to let them get on with it. Consenting adults and all that.What's that about vocabulary? I don't know what your on about with that.

Charlotte StreetSeptember 7th 2010.

'Common' I'd call it.

Roy of the RoversSeptember 7th 2010.

And footballers are rubbish at sex, they always dribble before they shoot.

Concerned MotherSeptember 7th 2010.

Aye! Keep yer 'and on yer ha'penny!

KenDoddsDadsDogsDeadSeptember 7th 2010.

Great article and sadly true.I went to Mosquito (reluctantly) a while ago for a friends birthday and ended up,, by chance, in a booth where the 'stars' hang out. We happened to decide on a drunken whim to buy some cheap shite champagne. So, a group of young lads, with champagne in a booth seem to have a magnetic effect to a succession of scantily clad young women sniffing the foul stench of footballers wealth from us. (Usually we'd have to buy a bottle of champagne for any girls just to give us time of day long enough to tell us to $%^& off). My friends seized upon this and embarked upon an embarrassing web of lies that they were footballers which I initially thought was pathetic and destined for embarrassment. Within about ten minutes we were surrounded by women until the scene resembled some low budget rap video. Unbelieveable. Not hard to understand why some footballers succumb to tempation really.

Brown Ale BillySeptember 7th 2010.

It is if they get punched, something footballers are fond of doing to women.

ADSeptember 7th 2010.

I just cant see why Tony keeps describing these young women as intelegent. If you want somone to blame then how about anyone who has ever bought a gossip magazine etc.

AnonymousSeptember 7th 2010.

How very distasteful.

Champagne CharlieSeptember 7th 2010.

Girls just wanna have fun, is that such a bad thing?

liverpool wagSeptember 7th 2010.

How come?

Lex IconSeptember 7th 2010.

And 'party' is a noun, not a verb.

Champagne CharlieSeptember 7th 2010.

Anonymous (great name btw) I did misread the end of your post and I'm big enough where it matters to apologise. I'm sorry, your mother clearly knew her stuff. Ulreeka, you are a rubbish troll. Lex, party is most certainly a noun and has been for many years. More recently in common usage it has also become a verb. Sh!t happens eh?

AnonymousSeptember 7th 2010.

Champagne Charlie, I'd be interested to know if these girls do have as much "fun" as the testosterone fuelled boys to whom they are providing a handy orifice (of whatever sort). You mistake Ulrika for a prude, but the maxim my mother taught me was never give it away, and if you do, make sure you score with a real man of the world who knows his way around the whole block, not just the dribble around the goalposts, to ensure a damned good seeing to in return.

Champagne CharlieSeptember 7th 2010.

Pecadillos (sic)? What are you on about now?

Green NigelSeptember 7th 2010.

No, prostitutes are professionals whereas scrubbers are just desperate, gold-digging amateurs.

AnonymousSeptember 7th 2010.

Rich, athletic young MEAT HEADS

AnonymousSeptember 7th 2010.

But they are thick.

AnonymousSeptember 7th 2010.

Clearly, Charlie, you are of the "quick in n out job" school, otherwise (unless you are very stupid or both), you would not have completely misread my last comment. What the hell does having sex with an experienced and skilled partner have to do with wifely duties? Please explain.

Liverpool WagSeptember 7th 2010.

It's ok Mr Dig....The nurse just wants to give you this little injection....

DigSeptember 7th 2010.

Similar thing happened to me in a nightclub in Stoke a good few years ago. (I don't think my friends or I would pass for footballers nowadays). It was my birthday and a friend had bought a bottle of champagne to toast the night. Within seconds of the pop 2 girls came over asking who we were and what we did. The difference on my night out is that they were a pair of mingers and I told them to piss off.

UlreekaSeptember 7th 2010.

Champagne Charlie, I suggest you do not know what the hell you are talking about. Do you ever see any of these girls laughing, let alone drinking and carousing? It's about sex and the hope that it will lead to the WAG lifestyle, the house in Formby and the paparazzi waiting for them outside Cricket. This is what girls just wanna, they wanna be Alex Curran.

Ophelia ReisingSeptember 7th 2010.

'arfa crown to take 'em downand two bob to.........

ScrubberSeptember 7th 2010.

Can you be a scrubber and go to yoooneee?

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