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Help is at hand

Women's Hospital splurges £7,500 on IVF tackle - to stimulate chaps' tackle

Published on July 27th 2010.

Help is at hand
A NEW suite to be used in IVF treatment at Liverpool Women's Hospital boasts computer equipment worth £4,625, flat screen TVs costing £2,225 - plus £500 of blue movies.

It has been built by Liverpool Women's NHS Foundation Trust to help men produce sperm samples.

The Trust's fertility centre is a joint venture with private company North West Fertility, which shared the cost of the suite.

But the TaxPayers' Alliance is not happy. It has branded the Liverpool costs "astonishing". It said: "Most people would think all a fertility clinic needs these days is an internet connection, but clearly this one thinks giving a sample should be a five-star, hi-tech experience.

"This money could have been spent on treatment rather than on trying to improve on methods that have always worked just fine."

The Sun, bastion of topless family fun, was also suitably outraged. It thundered that “other fertility centres provide a similar service by spending less than £100 a year on magazines to stimulate patients,” and that “Royal Cornwall Hospitals NHS Trust spends £5 a year”.

Now £5, per annum, in today's currency markets, will buy you not much more than one of Richard Desmond's finest - and we aren't talking OK! For the patient unlucky enough to have a December appointment, in every sense, that's one well-thumbed organ.

Meanwhile, The Sun churlishly goes on to tell us that Southampton University Hospital NHS Trust spends nothing. It gets its jazz mags direct from a generous publisher.

On the other hand, the IVF patient in Wales must rely on charity donations. But if none are forthcoming, it's not the end of the world: there's always that red hot Powys-based channel, Ewe Tube.

Defending the massive cash outlay, a spokesman for Liverpool Women's Hospital did not say: “You've got to speculate to accumulate.”

But they might have done if we'd asked them.

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15 comments so far, continue the conversation, write a comment.

DigJuly 26th 2010.

What's the spoon for? To bonk people on the, erm, head with?

Celebrity watchJuly 26th 2010.

I often like to slap a high five with Yul Brynner myself

Chinese Helicopter PilotJuly 26th 2010.

I find this all most distasteful.

Professor ChucklebuttyJuly 26th 2010.

Haven't we all ready had a war with Southampton over berthing? Does the nurse watch you or do they also have a turnaround facility?And as this is a suite at the Women's, does that mean there would be a group of blokes in there? Is it seated or standing? If it's standing only, it would be like strumming along with the Shadows. And you can't have the Shadows without a Hank.One of the nurses said a lot of the men were shy and wouldn't turn up for their appointments, then like the buses three would come at once. As a supporter of Liverpool Confidential, I am willing to go to the Royal Cornwall, Southampton and Liverpool Women's Hospitals to write a best of 3 review for your esteemed organ. Will you need me to take the photos myself only I may need somebody to hold the camera steady. Mr Clack was asked to provide a semen sample, a urine sample and a sample of his stools but he saved time and posted a pair of his underpants.

Colonel GingerJuly 26th 2010.

Oh pull the other one

Buffing Kojak's MoneyboxJuly 26th 2010.

I trust that the hospital will include free treatment for the donors for the consequent hairy palms, failing eyesight and stark staring madness?

Kenny Ball and His JizzmenJuly 26th 2010.

I'm sorry, I appear to have spilt some 'Brasso' on your art pamphlet...

Chinese Helicopter PilotJuly 26th 2010.

I find this all most distasteful.

Mike GigglerJuly 26th 2010.


Monarch of the GlansJuly 26th 2010.

Come again?

Pearly KingJuly 26th 2010.

I heard you had a Magnificent Seven.

Captain KettleJuly 26th 2010.

Surely the technical term for jollop that is paid for is 'merchant semen'?

Vin Igor StrokesJuly 26th 2010.

It sounds to me that the Taxpayers Alliance need no external stimulation to enthusiatically pursue their natural behaviour.

Exclusive excerpt from NHS DVD: Captain PeacockJuly 26th 2010.

Mr Humphreys are you free? Only Mr Grainger has a small display hanging over his counter and can't get it to stand up straight. I would ask Mrs Slocombe but as she's emigrating to Australia, sh'e been flat out all morning while Mr Lucas tries to take a photo of her pussy. Apparently it's very big down under and there are many tales about being lost in the bush. (change hands)

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