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Full of sheets

World Exclusive: Bed-in at Bluecoat plugs terrifying hole accidentally left in city's Beatles calendar

Published on August 20th 2010.


Full of sheets

LIVERPOOL tourism bosses were this week locked in crisis meetings after it emerged that there is a whole afternoon this year that has not been set aside for some form of Beatles celebration.

Staff at the top secret Liverpool Magical Mystery crisis headquarters, believed to be situated in the disused 99 bus terminus at Penny Lane roundabout, were understood to be frantically attempting to rescue the situation, which they dismissed as a “schoolboy error” after a schoolboy was enlisted to “run the show”.

The situation came to light after Liverpool Confidential received an anonymous tip off on our You-Know-My-Name-Look-Up-The-Number Answering Machine

After repeatedly ignoring our requests for a comment, spokesman Malcolm Fab agreed to meet me in the new John Lennon Airport cafe, Latte in the Sky.

“When this gets out... well I shudder to think what will happen,” he muttered. “It’s a known fact that the Beatles generate seventy seven trillion pounds a year for the city. Look how wealthy they have made us. Not to mention the forty eight million people who visit just to slip in Beatle vomit on Mathew Street every week. “

He moved closer. “Off the record, when it was noticed that we’d forgotten to organise a Beatles event for an entire afternoon this year... well let me tell you, I nearly shat a Hofner violin bass.

“At one point we even considered illuminating the Redmond signal we’ve had installed on the roof of the new museum, but we weren’t sure he’d able to see it from Tarporley.”

Fab's voice echoed around the empty building, he shivered and pulled his collarless Beatle suit jacket tight around him and leaned in even closer, only pausing to flick his Beatle wig fringe out of his eyes.

“I shouldn’t really tell you this, but we have warehouses full of false noses set aside just in case an emergency like this happens. Within minutes we could roll out our emergency “Ringo Nose Day” plan and have an army of Redmond's volunteers giving them out with a free Echo when you buy a Sayers sausage roll.


Special report
By ER Ladd


“We’ve already changed the names of the Liver Birds to 'Peace and Love', and we were going to ban anyone taking pictures of them in his honour.”

I took a sip of my Moppatoppa Macchiato. I didn’t know what to do, this information could cause panic, the likes of which had not been seen since the “Ferry 'Cross The Mersey” tape got jammed on the Royal Daffodil in 2008, which resulted in the captain forgetting where he was, and where he was going - which was straight into the side of a ship in the Mersey. Allegedly.

I glanced at the Beatles statue in front of me, and then at the one just to my left, the one above, the one behind and the one being installed in the tiny gap that had been left by the fire exit.

At the table next to me, a man was making a bust of John Lennon out of his mashed potato murmuring the words “If you build it they will come” over and over.

Fab moved across and grasped my arm in one desperate last plea.

“Just give me one day before you release the story, all I need is one more day, well that and love, I obviously need love... please, all I need is love, and one more day... please.”

I agreed, “Just one day Fab, the people of Liverpool need to know, so they can prepare.”

Fab stood, he pulled on his pink satin Sergeant Pepper overcoat and gave me the Macca thumbs up. I wasn't fooled.

“Just one more thing Fab. You people need to realise the responsibility you have to this city, maybe, just maybe, you need to start coming up with things that don’t only involve the Beatles.”

He looked at me; I could see the merest hint of triumph in his eyes, shaded blue behind his small round spectacles..

“It’s okay, there's no need for that Ladd. We are thinking we can sort some sort of “Bed in” at the Bluecoat. If we stretch it out for a couple of weeks it will well cover the gap in the calendar...

“Couple of quilts...it’ll be gear.”

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entspanntAugust 18th 2010.

Like it or not, The Beatles put Liverpool on the map. Not The Searchers or Gerry: Though both were themselves very successful for a few years there was no follow through.Using the world-wide popularity of The Beatles to attract tourists makes sense. The difficult part will be not to overdo it in the city itself and to ensure that the visitor has lots of information on what else is going on in the City today and various other aspects of the area's history. It is a balancing act that needs to be constantly evaluated.

Rusty SpikeAugust 18th 2010.

Yeh, yer right there ER Ladd, lah. Wot about them Searchers, eh? Yeh, forgotten and ignored. Mike Pender's banging around doing his best still howling about sweets, and those Mersey Cats? Nothing. Nowt. No Month of Miaows as a tribute, no memorial benches, railings or hostels in their honour. And where's a statue to the Big Three? I ask. Exactly. And that's without naming a bloody ferry boat after Gerry such as the Pacemakers' Packet, or a bridge over the Mersey. Gerry's Way...there's lots of opportunities. And what about The Cilla Mall? Instead we get Liverpool ONE, which means bugger all. There's endless possibilities: The Arthur Askey Tapas and Pie Bar or the Jimmy Tarbuck Biennial...Instead its non stop Fab Four humbug and housing estates named after Ringo. Ridiculous.

AndyAugust 18th 2010.

Piss take all you wish, but I and many others remember the dark days of the 70s when the 'City Fathers' would have nothing to do with The Fabs. (We're not doing anything for those long-haired drug addicts). What happens today was started by a few local fans, rather amateurishly, organising a few Beatle-related events. Once the City Council realised that people were coming from all over the western world to these small-scale events, they smelt blood, or rather money. Lots of money. So I suppose today's overkill is in some way compensating for Yesterday's Mean Mr Mustard ignorance.

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