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'Die Another Day'

Exclusive: LFC movie script found in back of taxi. No reward offered

Published on October 15th 2010.


'Die Another Day'

Liverpool Confidential has come into the possession of a new Hollywood film script found in a taxi late last night and chronicling the many events of the last couple of months of the Anfield saga.

Unconfirmed reports suggest that Samuel L Jackson is keeping well out of it.

SCENE I: A MONTH AGO.

(INT): Deep beneath Stanley Park, in a bunker known only to a few.

BLOHICKS and BLOGILLETT sit in Texan leather chairs, stroking identical white cats.

Henchmen stand guard. They clutch submachine guns to chests clad in replica LFC shirts.

Steam belches from unknown sources as glamorous blondes, hair in curlers and dressed in bikinis fashioned from flannelette pyjama material, make notes on clipboards.A monorail carriage pulls into the giant, brightly lit cavern. The doors part with a hiss and ODDJOB BROUGHTON alights.

ODDJOB approaches BLOHICKS and BLOGILLETT and bows slightly.

BLOHICKS: So, how was your journey?

ODDJOB: I had to wait 20 minutes at Sandhills, Sir, but, other than that, it went well.

BLOHICKS : What news do you bring?

ODDJOB: The second stage of the master plan is in place, we now have ownership of the...erm...item, Sir.

BLOHICKS : Good, you have pleased us, you will be rewarded well.

BLOHICKS clicks his fingers and a bikini-clad female dashes forward. She places an aluminium make up case from Cricket onto the table. ODDJOB glances at BLOHICKS and BLOGILLETT. They nod slightly and he eagerly opens it.

ODDJOB: (Gasps) Sirs!....I, I don’t know what to say...a ten-pound voucher for the club shop... I...thank you.

BLOGILLETT (lights a cigar): Just let me put the cat down.

ODDJOB: But Sir, are you sure that's necessary?

BLOGILLETT: You fool! I only meant on the floor.

BLOHICKS (TURNS TO ODDJOB): You have served us well. We thought about giving you shares in the club, but decided this was worth more.

ODDJOB: Thank you Sirs; I shall use it to buy a Mascherano poster and mug.

BLOHICKS (smiles and glances at BLOGILLETT): You will be able to buy a few of those actually.

BLOGILLETT : Now where is the item, Broughton?

ODDJOB Here Sir.

ODDJOB produces an envelope and passes it gingerly to BLOGILLETT.

BLOGILLETT studies it, smiling evilly.

BLOGILLETT: We have it BLOHICKS! (Laughs maniacally).

BLOGILLETT (tears envelope greedily apart and addresses BLOHICKS): With this, my friend, we will own the entire city. Liverpool will finally be ours! Its very civic symbol has now fallen into our hands, for us to do as we wish!

With a flourish BLOGILLETT pulls the document from its paper sheath, they pore over it for a long time. A look of confusion falls across their faces, BLOHICKS turns to ODDJOB.

(Pause)

BLOHICKS: Er, Broughton, what does this mean?

ODDJOB: Excuse me?

BLOHICKS: It says we own a Wiverbird.

ODDJOB Yes Sir it does.

BLOHICKS: What’s a Wiverbird?

ODDJOB: It’s what I was told to get.

BLOHICKS: Who told you to get a Wiverbird?

ODDJOB: Woy did. Woy the manager.

**********

SCENE II: THIS WEEK

INT: The bunker. ODDJOB BROUGHTON is trussed up and suspended over a vast fish tank.

BLOHICKS throws in a half eaten burger he got from a van outside the Centenary Stand. It is immediately attacked by starving, blood-hungry piranhas. But they quickly discard it when they realise there is no meat in it whatsoever - and there never was.

BLOHICKS (produces a gun from his pocket and aims it at ODDJOB'S head): You idiot Broughton!

He is about to squeeze the trigger when suddenly a steely Scottish voice rings out from above.

VOICE: Not so fast BLOHICKS!

BLOHICKS (spins and fires wildly): Who is up there? Sean Connery? That you, Kenny Dalglish?

Out of the shadows an urbane tall man steps: a knowing smile lies on his chiselled features, his pin-stripe suit tailored to perfection.

BANK: The names Bank... James Bank.

BLOGILLETT: MI6?

BANK: RBS

BLOGILLETT (Buries face in hands): Oh no, we’re fucked.

As he speaks a massive hooter starts to drone.

BLOHICKS: Gee. Switch Phil Thompson off. I can’t hear myself think.

A flunky runs across to and turns off Sky Sports News. BLOHICKS pulls ODDJOB in front of him as a shield.

BLOHICKS: Guards! Get him!

All around BANK, sparks fly as the guards advance.

ODDJOB: Be careful Bank! We’ve used too much Nylon in those shirts!

BANK takes cover behind some crates; he is surrounded.

BANK : Do you expect me to die, Blohicks?

BLOHICKS: No Mr Bank, I expect you to extend our overdraft.

The cavern is suddenly plunged into darkness.

**********

FINAL SCENE (SUBJECT TO CHANGE)

INT: Still in bunker. Black. Voices only

BLOGILLETT: Dammit! the leccy’s gone off! I had no money to put a fiver on the key when I went the shop this morning .....

BLOHICKS: Sell a player quick, we have to have light.

BLOGILLETT: We’ve only got a few left, and if we sell them, the Kop will turn against us.

BLOHICKS: What about Babel?

BLOGILLETT: (whimpers) He’s not worth five bucks.

A torch flicks on. BANK stands before them. Behind, the henchmen, their guns now trained upon them and the blubbing ODDJOB.

BANK: The game's up Blohicks, hand it over.

BLOHICKS' gun wavers

BANK: Hand it over.

BLOHICKS (lowers his eyes and the gun drops to the floor): But we had such plans....

BLOGILLETT steps forward and reaches into his pocket. He takes out some baseball cards and sifts through them, dropping them to the floor one by one. Finally it is there in his hand. He hands it across, wearily, a beaten man.

BLOGILLETT: Here, take it.

BANK reaches across and turns to the henchmen. He holds up the RBS Solo bank card.

BANK: It’s over lads, we’ve got it!

A cheer rings out. Cries of “Go ed!” and “Yer ma!” echo from ceiling. BANK turns back to ODDJOB and holds out his hand.

BANK: Come on with me. We’ve got work to do. We need to take this club from American baseball tycoons who know next to nothing about football and hand it to....

ODDJOB:...American baseball tycoons who know next to nothing about football?

REDS FANS: Yessss! Yanks in! Yanks in! (etc)

BLOHICKS: Not so fast Bank! (snatches RBS card back and won't let go)

EVERYBODY: Oh for f*ck's sake....

As stumbled upon by Tony Schumacher/Angie Sammons.

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Boston stranglerOctober 6th 2010.

Liked that

Alfie189564October 13th 2010.

This is a very clever take on the whole sorry saga of LFC. I doubt there is anything to add.........

Whingeing ScouserOctober 14th 2010.

This LFC situation will rumble on and on. Embarrassingly. However nothing could be as embarrassing as the Dear Mr Hicks video that was made recently.

What the papers sayOctober 14th 2010.

The Liverpool FC ownership war has taken a dramatic twist with reports that Mill Financial have effectively taken over the club.

It is being claimed the American based Hedge Fund has acquired all of Tom Hicks' shares to go along with those of George Gillett, which it already owned.

It is further claimed that if they repay all outstanding loans to RBS before the set deadline, they will by default become the new owners of LFC, nudging out New England Sports Ventures.

However the Echo understands the move would not signal Hicks and Gillett returning to ascendancy in the battle for the Reds.

Instead it is believed Mill Financial, in turn owned by Springfield Financial who have links with the Washington Redskins American Football team, may be acting on behalf of another, as yet unnamed and unknown group who have put themselves in a position to move in at the 11th hour and take over the club.

Inevitably, it will lead to speculation that Chinese businessman Kenny Huang could be behind today's dramatic developments, though that is by no means clear.

Critical meetings to discuss today's development are now being held in London involving Liverpool's English directors - chairman Martin Broughton, Managing Director Christian Purslow and Commercial Director Ian Ayre.

No one from the club was prepared to comment on the so far unconfirmed reports.

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