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Restaurant review: Eddy Rocket's

Fat Git takes his ex's kids to Eddie Rocket's for the afternoon and sinks his teeth into a large bap or two

Published on January 14th 2010.

Restaurant review: Eddy Rocket's

“SHE started out as a casual fare and became a casual affair. Now she is with another man and all I have is a ball of her hair.”

This is the poem I wrote about Terylene when we went our separate ways. What a woman. And I sent it to the Echo.

I was parked up - on the settee - watching Britain's Got Talent with Wayne, Dwaine, Duane, Jermaine, Everton and Chelcee

We had an electrically charged relationship. I wasn't the first man in her life, that was apparent, and not the last. But she liked my substantial girth, as many women do.

So when Terylene stepped into the back of the cab last week, elegant as ever, I was filled with instant nostalgia.

Laden with Primark bags and sporting stylish pyjama bottoms, I knew it was her the minute the door of the Fairway flew open. I had been enjoying a quiet moment while Cousin Tony was doing a yank. In the bookies. Living life to the max with his Giro.

It was something about that fragrance. Terelyne always liked a slim panatella in her mouth if she couldn't get a rolly, and my senses were immediately aroused by the smoky musk that wafted in with her. I was taken to another place, and I don't mean the one on Crosby beach.

“Holyland,” she spluttered before launching into a hacking cough. “Oh it's you, you fat bastard. I hope this is a love job.”

We began to talk, and an hour later I was parked up - on the settee in hers - watching Britain's Got Talent with Wayne, Dwaine, Duane, Jermaine, Everton and Chelcee.

These are Terelyne's kids. Six kids, six dads. Six mentalists, all with 666 tattooed on their scalps. Undoubtedly.

I've known the first four for years, on and off. The eldest is 11 and there's a year between each. Changed their nappies, wiped their snotty noses and babysat when Scummy Mummy went out on the lash. The two youngest, Everton and Chelcee, are a handful, aged five and six. They don't know me much, any more, but they were staring at me, all big eyes, and what made me agree to have them for an afternoon while she “had a rest” I don't know.

Three days later, we were sitting in Eddie Rocket's. Just me with Snitch and Snatch. Soft lad was still watching the gee-gees somewhere. He was two grand up from the other day and had just one more race to go today. A 60-1 rank outsider. A bit like me.

Kids in restaurants always want toilets, and these two had been three times, which meant a lot of up and down. I was panting with exhaustion when I got to the ladies “restroom”, as they call it in here, and getting a funny look from some student bird.

That's when the pair of them weren't mewling that they wanted to go to “Old McDonald's”. I wasn't going to trek all the way there.

I said: “Get in here. There's music and red plastic seats.”

Within a minute of sitting down, they were captivated by the drinking-straw fountains. Within two minutes, there were 500 straws rolling all around the floor, with Everton and Chelcee howling that I wasn't their dad and they wanted to go home. More looks.

Meanwhile I was crawling under the tables. “Do you mind?” barked that student from the lav, eyeing me suspiciously and shifting her shapely legs as I lunged at a handful of straws.

Have you ever been to Eddie Rocket's? There aren't many in this country. It is styled on Johnny Rocket's in America, which is brilliant – the food and the 1950s Happy Days décor - and you are not made to feel unusual because of your size.

I wasn't sure about this one, but if Our Kid could “accumulate”, so could I. I doubled up: A Chilli Three Way Cup (£5.50) and a Cheez Please Burger (£5.25) with Cheddar and extra grilled onions (85p). and fries There was a big list of add-ons, but I'm not greedy.

The chilli is surrounded by loads of nachos. You also get a bowl of grated cheese, a bowl of diced onions and one of blue cheese mayo. I wasn't sure what to do with it, so I ate it.

The Terylene twins wanted to try the nachos but I was starving. Luckily, they were soon silenced by a Mini Hotdog and Coke (£4.50) and a Mini Burger and orange juice (ditto) from the kids menu.

There wasn't much meat in the chilli, but it was spicy and as full of beans as them two. Something not full of beans was the coffee (£1.50). Billed as “Good Coffee” it was anything but. You probably wouldn't notice though.

You get proper bottles of ketchup and stuff in here and there was soon a huge mess but the aproned waiters are all efficient and polite and mostly from other countries.

Then onto my next course: The burger and chips which was mansized and had a slice of beef tomato onion, dill pickle, lettuce and a tomato sauce.

Burgers are like cab driving, if you can't pick it up, you shouldn't take it, but I hacked into it and soon it was gone. The meat was a bit tasteless and dry. Again, you'll like it. The fries were in good supply though and, as soon as the kids started running around the place, mental on milkshakes, I finished theirs too.

A very agreeable chocolate fudge cake, with farmhouse dairy ice cream, set me up nicely for my “tip” from Terelyne and I licked my lips. “The children are doing something in the gents,” said a punter. I sighed and gave chase.

They had locked themselves in a cubicle.

“Let me in you little bastards,” I puffed. “Go away, you big fat git. We don't know you,” replied one of them.

A couple of people were glancing. “They're only messing,” I shrugged.

“Let me in. I'll let you ride in the front of the cab,” I pleaded.

A few seconds later the bolt went and I forced it open. There was toilet roll everywhere as I shut the door behind me.

I was breaking a sweat when suddenly something started vibrating in my pocket. It was Tone, on the mobile, and the kids started screaming for no reason.

“Is everything all right in there?” there was a hammering on the door from the student's bloke. But I wasn't listening. Tony was effing and blinding like a good 'un. He was in the bookies.

“Oh? Oh! Yes! Yes!” I cried. “Yes! Yes! Yeeeesss!”

There was silence.

Then someone said something about calling the police.

Rating: 15/20
Breakdown: 6/10 Food
4/5 Service
5/5 Ambience
Address: Eddie Rocket's
23 Bold St
L1 4DN
0151 707 2500

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12 comments so far, continue the conversation, write a comment.

V. I. Lenin AirportJune 20th 2008.

Oi! Fat Git!They're not "fries", they're JOCKEYS'!

Mike HomfrayJune 20th 2008.

Love the burgers here, and the malt shakes....its absolutely IDENTICAL to Johnny Rocket's in the States! Portions are huge which is nice....

Our GedJune 20th 2008.

I hope Cousin Tony has come into money so he can take Fat Git somewhere nice for a change...

Cosmo SmallpieceJune 20th 2008.

Those scoops of ice cream look very suggestive.

FatGitFanClubJune 20th 2008.

Nice one, Your Largeness. Our kids love Eddie Rocket's, but have to say I don't think it a patch on Johnny Rocket's

AnonymousJune 20th 2008.

I loved Eddie Rocket's for the atmosphere. Then I loved it for the service, because I dated a Polish waitress, now I love it for the burgers because I have turned into an overweight bastard who can't stop eating them. better than Macdonalds you kids. Discuss!

KaneJune 20th 2008.

Congratulations Manchester "sorry!" Liverpool confidential on giving a positive review to someone who doesn't subscribe to you! Your now one step further away from sugarvine!!!!

PatriciaJune 20th 2008.

When i go home to Dublin i always go to Eddie Rockets

MurphJune 20th 2008.

Good Grief i'm worn out after reading that!

Confidential TeamJune 20th 2008.

Thanks Kane. But look back and we think you will find that we have never reviewed anybody and let the bias of whether their business advertises with us, or not, get in the way of our critics' opinion which must always be an honest one. Our reviewers take great care to speak as they find, and always turn up unannounced, unless otherwise stated. So if any restaurateur spots a very portly taxi driver with a variety of odd women, or a bloke who swears a lot, in tow, give them a wide berth - in every sense.

Denise GriffinJune 20th 2008.

LOL! I've been to the states and Johnny Rocket's is definitely the real deal, but this is as near to it as you will get and you were right to give it 5/5 for ambience. A real treat and they don't hurry you out of the comfy red seats you fat git!!

In the knowJune 20th 2008.

Funny you should say that, Our Ged. I'm sure I was in Fat Git's taxi the other day and heard him say he was off to celebrate early next week. Hmmmm, now where was it?

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