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Restaurant review: The Buffet Star

AA Grill is back, but not on a high note

Published on September 22nd 2010.


Restaurant review: The Buffet Star

THERE is something about fat people and staircases. By “fat”, I mean only in the dictionary-defined, critically neutral, emotionally uninhabited sense of the word; in other words, no offence. The same goes for any other term used here whose meaning is the opposite of thin.

'Peking style' crispy duck had been pulverised to a kind of mush resembling tinned tuna. It didn't taste much like tinned tuna, but it didn't taste much like duck, either

Now, where was I? Oh, yes, fat people and staircases. They don't, or won't, go together. Whey they do, it can end in tears and endless viewings on YouTube (judging by the number of videos out there – including the charming “Two Fat People Die Falling Down The Stairs” – every time a fatty goes near a set of steps, some sicko is eyeing their every move. Up stares, down stares).

When they don't, or won't, governments intervene. A couple of years ago, Labour ministers decided to step up, literally, the war on obesity. Architects were being urged to make staircases more attractive to the oversized, the Daily Telegraph reported. The results of this initiative are unknown but my suggestion would be a chocolate vending machine on every landing.

At the Buffet Star, you have no need to fear the stairs; there is generally someone on the next step to break your fall. It is common for an orderly queue to form from the ground floor entrance to the vast restaurant space below.

The Buffet Star is an All-You-Can-Eat. Or, in this particular case, “Eat As Much As You Like”. More an invitation, less a challenge. If Hampstead did Eat-As-Much-As-You-Likes, New Labour would have outlawed them long ago, for, however you look at it, they are not the route to a healthy lifestyle.

If the Buffet Star's stairs are too much to contemplate, there is a lift to incentivise the horizontally-challenged. What's more, a ramp runs alongside the stairs to the toilets so if you are dining with a porky pal, you can roll him all the way to the loos. The ultimate toilet roll.

This particular night, the conga stretched into Hanover Street, a byway whose chief attraction used to be the Green Shield Stamps shop. In a time Before Credit – whose life offered eternal debt to us all – you saved up the stamps (one for every pre-decimal sixpence spent at the shops) all year, then exchanged them for such treasures as a pair of garden shears, or, if you had collected especially diligently, an electric kettle.

Green Shield Stamps offered Value For Money, the key psychological component at work in the All-You-Can-Eat phenomenon.

The surroundings at the Buffet Star, like the atmosphere, are functional, but this is not a place where you hang out with your trendy friends. The first thing that hits you is not, as expected, a passing paunch, but the thought that, actually, there are no more category-obese people in here than anywhere else. Which leads one to deduce that if the bulk, as it were, of the Buffet Star's patrons are hooked on anything, it is good deals, not bad meals.

Whether the Buffet Star is a good deal rather depends on your taste or, to be blunt, whether you have any. Lunchtime sittings (starting at noon) ostensibly offer the best value, when £6.90 (£6.20 Mondays to Thursdays) buys you access to in excess of 60 Chinese and Thai dishes, and as many trips to the trough as you like, depending on your perseverance and the capacity of your stomach, for anything up to six hours.

A sign warns diners they must “evacuate” their tables by 6pm, though after these amounts of food it's likely to be a close run thing which diners evacuate first, their tables or their bowels.

If the choice of food is immense, the “equally extensive” wine list actually stretches to 17 choices, suggesting numerical literacy is not their strong point. Neither, unfortunately, is food. So many dishes meant our expectations of quality cuisine were low, so at least we weren't disappointed.

We tried about about a fifth of the total offerings, which mostly ranged from adequate to barely edible. King prawns were fine, not overcooked, and a Thai green curry proved so popular it disappeared before we got the chance. Deep fried shredded beef, in chilli sauce, had become glued together in clumps, endowing it with a molecular structure identical to that of a Toffee Crisp, which is okay if you fancy a Toffee Crisp for your dinner.

Spring rolls were soft, ditto chips. The egg in the egg fried rice was stiffening by degrees, in the manner of tile grout that's been left out in the open for too long. Against one wall, abandoned plates of half eaten food began to pile up.

Sui mai (Chinese dumplings) put me in mind of oversized bogeys. A quick roll around the tongue added to the impression; the diagnosis denied only by a lack of saltiness, which was a surprise since salt, along with heat, were the overriding sensations of our visit.

The selection of vegetables was uniformly limp but it didn't matter because nobody was eating any of it anyway. “Peking style” crispy duck had been pulverised to a kind of mush resembling tinned tuna. It didn't taste much like tinned tuna, but it didn't taste much like duck, either.

Squid came extra rubbery; salmon had had every trace of texture cooked out of it; prawn toast glistened with oil as it was squeezed between fingers. Salt and pepper chicken pieces, fried in a rough, pitted batter, were, observed Mrs Grill, “like picking a scab and eating it”.

Mussels looked particularly unappealing. I tried one but couldn't keep it in my mouth long enough to assess its gustatory properties. How long they had been sitting in their tray is hard to say, but since bivalves have existed on Earth a long time, let's say it was anything between five minutes and three hundred million years.

By the time it came to leave, the airport hangar expanse seemed to have shrunk, maybe because there were more bodies arriving to fill it out. Or maybe there were the same number of bodies; they had just got bigger.

The trouble with this experience, aside from a fairly dismal standard of food, and shocking waste thereof, is that you are pretty much required to overeat; to have a little more, and then a little more, to ensure that you take full advantage of the contract on the table.

Never mind the quality, feel the girth.


Rating: 6/20
Breakdown: 3/10 food
2/5 service
1/5 ambience
Address: Buffet Star
87-89 Hanover Street
Liverpool, L1 3DZ
Tel. 0151 703 0645

Liverpool Confidential reviewers dine out unannounced and pick up their own tabs.Venues are rated against the best examples of their kind: fine dining against the best fine dining, cafés against the best cafés Following on from this the scores represent: 1-5: saw your leg off and eat it, 6-9: get a DVD, 10-11: if you must, 12-13: if you’re passing,14-15: worth a trip,16-17: very good, 17-18: exceptional, 19: pure quality, 20

Outstanding

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15 comments so far, continue the conversation, write a comment.

FlounderAugust 25th 2010.

Dont you mean a pollock?

FlounderAugust 25th 2010.

Lord St - what bollox. If you think allerton rd is a choice destination you are a plum.The point is that regardless of where the restaurant is in this fair city few are worth their salt

Phil McCrackenAugust 25th 2010.

AA I applaud you. One of your finest and most hilarious reviews to date. Rather than put me off it is worth paying the £6.90 for the entertainment value alone

an old friendAugust 25th 2010.

this has got to be the worst buffet place ever.....i went with my daughter who was not hungry so we did not get her a plate of food , she did have a bite of my spring roll tho and they tried to charge us for a child plate. as if so refused to pay for a bite of a spring roll.....

Ghee ClubAugust 25th 2010.

A very welcome review because these sort of places provide a great temptation. Not because I want to fill my face until I explode but because you would hope for something of reasonable quality with no fuss, no waiters to deal with and lots of choice. I was once taken to the one by Lime Street and it was ok even if some of the clientele seemed to have been let out for the day, but many of the dishes I tried were drowned in thick sticky sauces that obliterated the taste of anything you ate afterwards. There seemed to be a mix of people there and to be fair many of them seemed to be loving it, but then MacDonalds is packed and the smell of that makes me wretch. As in Grills review, the good dishes kept in the "All you can eat" I visited, kept vanishing as fast as they were put out and the vinegar, honey and bostick ones sat there glistening. These places can be alright if you are selective but for those who go to pig-out, then they should expect that some things will be swill. On the whole they seem to be doing well and remain popular, it is just a shame that some of the quantity of choice could not be sacrificed for a little more of the quality. I also went to an Indian that did an all you can eat Sunday lunch a few times, I wont say which or I will be pilloried, but they offered a choice of 3 curries with plain or pilau rice and various bajis and dips/chutney. They had it just right with the amount of choice. It wasn't the best I have ever tasted but it was good value. It's like satellite TV I suppose. Yeah! I have 500 channels but only 5 of them are worth watching.

Lord StreetAugust 25th 2010.

Yeah! So yah, boo and sucks to you, o floundering one!

WinnerAugust 25th 2010.

As restaurant reviews go, this made me chortle and it informed me. Tell any humourless ****ers who think its irrelevant or patronising to **** off.

DigAugust 25th 2010.

I've been to The Kwai Restaurant a few times. It's not the best if I'm honest. The food is always overgooked.

Barry Caesar and Nat PraisimAugust 25th 2010.

Asterix of offending you Marcus, like many of your friends and countrymen, you are talking out of your rears. And you even had to borrow them.

Terence YorkyAugust 25th 2010.

Dig, have you tried the Japanese restaurant in Runcorn; The Kwai just by the bridge over the river. They have Guiness too. Unfortunately, there was a bit of a blow up at the end when everyone was heading for the train.

Yaffe NeroAugust 25th 2010.

Dig, I understand they are establishments that have menus dating back to Roman times. The dessert menu was a favourite with Emperor Julius Caesar. His last request was for Etsu Brulee.

PollocksAugust 25th 2010.

Flounder- you are a pillock, you condemn Lord Street without even comprehending what he has said about Allerton Road. That pretty much puts you other comments into perspective if you are unable to comprehend what you are reading.

DigAugust 25th 2010.

I really like Japanese food so I am keen to try Etsu and I understand the Japanese have been eating Japanese food since about 30,000 BC so I'm not overly concerned by how old the menu is, only how old the food is.

Marcus TandeusAugust 25th 2010.

Yaffe Nero, I don't know how you could have the Gaul to post that one about Julius Caesar...

DigAugust 25th 2010.

How about Etsu or Buddleia? Oh and can I tag along if you do go? Not tried Etsu... yet.

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Latest Rants

Flounder

Dont you mean a pollock?

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Flounder

Lord St - what bollox. If you think allerton rd is a choice destination you are a plum.The point…

 Read more
Phil McCracken

AA I applaud you. One of your finest and most hilarious reviews to date. Rather than put me off it…

 Read more
an old friend

this has got to be the worst buffet place ever.....i went with my daughter who was not hungry so…

 Read more

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