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Five bars to....have a nervous breakdown

Losing it? Who hasn't been there? There's no shame. But a word from the wise: When madness strikes, don't look for sympathy from the boss. Disappear into one of these places until you feel better

Published on January 14th 2010.

Five bars to....have a nervous breakdown

A NERVOUS breakdown. Much misunderstood and a catch-all for many clinical illnesses, but we are not going to get all technical and depress you with them here.

Before we start, this is not an exercise in mocking those suffering genuine psychological conditions so don't be writing in accusing us of being mentalist.Rather, we are all capable of losing it. Whether it is because you couldn't handle sudden relationship rejection (see Five Bars To Dump Someone In), burn-out, or just allowing the bastards who already encroach on too many of your 24 hours, to grind you down, remember one thing: it can only get better – but first it's got to get worse.

You could run to the doc and ask for a frank sick note that will keep you off work for a few months, but risk the above-mentioned bastards denying you promotion for years. Or you could head for one of the following bars and let off your head of steam.

So max out your Mastercards, take inappropriate people home to meet your mum, wind all the loo roll in the bogs around your head and pretend you are the invisible man. Honest, it's your best chance of keeping the whole thing under (shrink) wraps.

THE CABIN, Wood Street, L1. 0151 7096468
Remember M*A*S*H anyone? If you are going to suffer nervous collapse, where better than a bar with medical assistance on tap. So popular has The Cabin proved with the healing profession that the registrars among the patrons insist on their single-malt medicine being dispensed to them in a phial.

They may not have a speciality in mental health between them, but aren't you going to feel a whole lot better in the firm hands of a surgeon, or your fevered brow being mopped by a young nurse, straight from duty, still in uniform, and almost certainly in stockings and sus . . . ooh matron.

Besides, the your-life-in-their-hands brigade are permanently up for a party so no matter how disturbed your state, their laughing gas inspired joie de vivre is bound to infect you – especially now Hattie Jacques is not around to stop the spread. Pass the hand gel, baby.

THE BLOB SHOP, Gt Charlotte St, L1. 0151 709 3435
You have stopped travelling in the mainstream of life: want to meet your new pals?A number of customers at The Blob Shop fall (and we do mean fall) into this happy category. The genial, but indisputably “mature eccentric”, is drawn, magnet-like, to the all-comers hostelry, not to be confused with Weatherspoons opposite, where only the dull die young.

Here you will have an eventful emotional tumble and you are not the first, judging by the punters who occasionally tip over the edge, out of the pub and into the path of an oncoming 86 hurtling down Great Charlotte St. So keep your troubles INSIDE the pub. OK?

A note of caution: If you thought Aussie White was something to do with Jacob's Creek chardonnay, then it's probably not for you. On the other hand, with friends like these, who needs the finer things? And who's going to notice if you happen to be going a little bit off the rails in the midst of it all.

At the Blob, you will be allowed to quietly – or hysterically – get on with your breakdown without the batty ones batting an eyelid. In fact, they will love you for it.

THE MAGNET, Hardamn St, L1. Tel: 0151 709 6969
The place where polar opposites are drawn, and where bipolar opposites attract.It's still so laid back in here, it's a psychiatrist's couch all on its own. You may well find your symptoms slowing to a complete standstill before shifting into reverse, as the comfy seating, loose limbed ambience and soulful sounds seep into your system quicker than maximum strength lithium. Let's get lost.

And if you really have plummeted too far over the edge for that, then, if needs be, those big soft, well-stuffed booths could easily be reassembled to form an impromptu padded room, making you feel nice and secure and your fellow drinkers nice and safe.

MODO, 23-25 Fleet St, L1. 0151 709 8832
Remember Lost Weekend? Where one drink is too many and a hundred's not enough? If this describes your type of nervous breakdown - and the house has just been repossessed - then bingo! Modo's famous two-for-one cocktails are a cost-effective way to dull the pain - in troubled economic times or not.

At Modo, you can give free rein to your anxiety attack – convulse those muscles, wring those hands and fling yourself to the floor – and the worst people are going to think is that your dance technique needs work.

The music's level of amplification is also likely to work in your favour, easily drowning out any sobs of agitation. In common with all licensed premises in this area of town, the volume level is set at the level of a jumbo jet flying at full speed past the end of your nose; hence that well known adage “in Concert Square, no one can hear you scream”.

THE KRAZY HOUSE, Wood St, L1. 0151 708 5016

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DigAugust 14th 2009.

It's not the clientele that need to go there for a breakdown as the Modo has had one itself. I walked in 12.14 one afternoon. My friend and I the only people in there. Never seeing this place before we enquired as to how long it had been here and open for business. The barmans reply? 'about 5 minutes mate'. We were the very 1st customers. The place was beautiful. Rococo and modern art all over the walls, gothic lighting and furniture and a very good choice at the bar. We headed back regularly in the evenings and weekend afternoons to watch the place grow and get busier with nice people. A couple of close friends even having spells d.j'ing there. This was 'my' type of place. I remember saying to a friend 'we should enjoy this place while we can'. Go there today (it's been like this for a while now) and it's full of the sort of clientele that helped the hugely expensive Cube Club close after only a few months. Having a nice place is one thing, keeping the rats and vermin out take a lot of hard work. Sadly lots of people have the dream to open a nice place but don't want to put in the regular hard graft to keep the place clean and clear of the vermin that close establishments when the authorities come knocking. To be fair when one nice place dies another is born. We just have to try to stay ahead of the pack.

Lou NattickAugust 14th 2009.

It is most distasteful.

A. NutterAugust 14th 2009.

This isn't funny. It's quite depressing in fact.

Loopy LouAugust 14th 2009.

I've tried all those but none of them suit me. I have to go to Manicchester to really cut loose with the crazies.

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