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Elif, Lark Lane

Fat Git, our food loving cab driver, gets it together with Pauline again at the Turkish barbecue

Published on January 14th 2010.


Elif, Lark Lane
It has been a while since I have had the pleasure of a big tip.

Everything has gone into recession, the cabs, the love life, and the rate of interest, both as far as punters' spare change is concerned, and that of the opposite sex. Things have dipped to an all time low.

But with people being a bit more careful I too, of late, have been tightened my belt too, shedding 4lbs in almost as many months. I have been on incapacity benefit for 16 years and know all about how to max the cash.

But you can only have so much lollo rosso and I was aroused from slumber the other morning after a long dream about Pauline. I felt a binge coming on, and I knew a hot dinner was the only thing that could truly satisfy a man with a substantial girth built into the genes.

Did I ever tell you about Pauline? I met her on Speed Dating on the internet. PrIncEssOfdArknEss1971 is what she called herself, and I caught her "looking" at me.

I couldn't really tell what she looked like. The profile picture she used was a blurry black cat sitting on a dark red bed, with big green eyes. She said her interests were body piercing, gerbils and the dark arts. So I looked back at her, she looked back at me and I thought we would never look back.

Our first date started romantically at Bistro Pierre and went on to a regrettable misunderstanding outside Riley's snooker hall and ended in the A&E at the Royal, with a missing ball being retrieved under anaesthetic. .

Now she has forgiven me, so it was off for some Turkish delight with the Litherland lovely!

Elif is situated on Lark Lane and calls itself a Turkish barbecue. Now I haven't had a barbecue all year, but I do like Turkey. I had heard good things about it from my cousin, Tony, who is currently in an open prison, but this time not a Turkish one.

He had eaten an entire fish when last in Istanbul, the head, bones and everything, down in one, like Top Cat. He said it helped him concentrate and he was keen that I try the same. After a near death experience recently, when I pulled off too quickly outside the Womens, it wouldn't do any harm.

Elif is a posh cafe with a big charcoal barbecue right at the front of the shop and Formica tables squeezed together. The people are squeezed together too and I could immediately detect Pauline's knees brushing seductively against mine.

She doesn't say much, but a G&T (3.75) or two loosens her up, and we were soon tucking into soft, warm Greek bread and hummus (3.10) which tasted not bad, but the oil slick on the top told me I was going to be up all night. I eyed Pauline. One way or another, I thought.

Pauline was swallowing delicious fruity olives (3.10), two or three at a time and I asked her what wanted. "Sucuk," she mumbled.
"Suck what?"

"Sucuk!" she spat forcefully, a stone hitting me straight in the eye.

The waiter beamed. Steady on. And minutes later a plate appeared. Sucuk is spicy Turkish sausage (3.55). Like my eye, it looked a bit too red, as well as artificial, but I always have a go and this tasted bloody grand: thick, meaty and full of hot flavours, cooled down with nice crisp Hawkes Bay Sauvignon Blanc (17.95). Ispanak tarator (3.10), fresh spinach in yoghurt, tahini and garlic, was just the thing to dip it into. Freshly made and made just for this.

You can do pot stews or charcoal specials here, and it would daft not to try the latter, seen as the thing was smoking and sizzling away. But Pauline felt more comfortable with Ali Nazik (11.75), lamb pieces served on a bed of smoked aubergine and garlic yoghurt. The white rice it came with was white, that's all, the pickled peppers were ok. The lamb had been cooked too quickly, making it chewy, and what should have been as succulent and tender as the lady was anything but. I have eaten in a fair few restaurants around the Mediterranean to know the difference. You would like it though.

Raising a glass to the banged-up Tony, I put my bib on and looked down at my massive Baliks Izgara.

Otherwise known as "Fish of the day" to you, this was a whole seabass (farmed but still 12.95). It had been gently cooking behind us, on a cooler part of the grill, since order, and was delivered in fine fettle, but it did need that Hawkes Bay to help it down the red lane. Nothing wrong with the cooking, but it was a bit unimaginative.

The fish's face on the plate was putting Pauline off. She'd had a few Hungarian Chardonnays by now (2.60), her cheeks had gone beetroot and she kept shouting "The kipper on that!" and screeching with laughter. I ate it mind. Again, you'd probably think it was great.

Baklava (4.25) came with two spoons, although one would only be needed in the end: Pauline suddenly took the knock and I scooped one delicious, moist treat into my mouth and then the other, with more difficulty, into the Fairway.

Much later, on the bimble, I reflected on how the dinner, full of eastern promise, had delivered only some of them. I might need the Blue Star.

Then, as we hit a pothole on Queens Drive, Pauline jangled in the back. Once more I wondered what to do with her till dawn.

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11 comments so far, continue the conversation, write a comment.

CillaDecember 5th 2008.

Why doesn't Liverpool Confidential arrange a date for Dig and Pauline. Sounds like a match made in heaven to me

DigDecember 5th 2008.

Another contender for another Liverpool Confidential date? Who are you going go out with? Drum roll...

DigDecember 5th 2008.

Only 4 felt worthy after seeing pics eh? Unfortunately I have been out with all 4 Prof. Don't pretend it isn't you. Angelica Sermons indeed.

Pauline's exDecember 5th 2008.

Eh, big lad, I hope you didn't take advantage of the situasion, or you'll have me to answer to. If that's the same Pauline I once knew and loved and there can't be two like that in Litherland she's a great lay and needs treeting with respeckt

AnonymousDecember 5th 2008.

Elif is not anywhere near the lowly league of romeo's. Their charcoal lamb is superb, as is the special sauce. Service is always fantastic. Hopefully they can set a positive example to so many of these restaurants on the lane which are at a very dissapointing standard on the food front. Such a shame as its a nice little spot.

Polly StyreneDecember 5th 2008.

That Pauline's a jammy cow. The lardy arsed vixen should be grateful to have such a manly figure to step out with, especially when he's treating her to the finest cuisine Liverpool has to offer. Git, if she doesn't provide a real man with what he needs, you provide the lolly, and I'll deliver the Polly.

DigDecember 5th 2008.

Oi you Cilla!! Who do you think you are suggesting who I should be going on a date with? Yer gorra lorra lorra cheek doing that.

Lark Lane dinerDecember 5th 2008.

We love Elif. They are very nice in there and the charcoal specials are excellent

AnonymousDecember 5th 2008.

Elif does better than Romios and Lark Lane is still pretty minty

Silver TiaraDecember 5th 2008.

hey what about me?? ive been left on the shelf here! anyone want a dusty but brilliantly fashioned 'silver tiara'?????????????

Pauline's exDecember 5th 2008.

Sorry that should read she's a great lady

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