Top five bars to.....end a relationship

BREAKING up is hard to do. Yet it needn't be. Like property-buying, location is everything.

You can hardly dump someone on your own doorstep. After all, allowing them across it was how you got into this mess in the first place. And doing it round at their place is fraught with danger.

Those old Dear John letters aren't your style. You were brought up to face up to stuff, and it's time they did too, with some swift, decisive action.

If they can't take it on the chin, just watch. You can.

1) The Palm Sugar Lounge, Liverpool ONE, 5/6 Kenyon Steps, L1. 0151 707 6654
Next to the Chaophraya in Chavasse Park, this is a happening bar, packed at the weekend while other venues can only look on and wonder “where's everyone gone?”

This is an excellent place to dump someone. A perfect Vodka Martini or ten, served by Mikey, will ease you both into the mood. Notice the word vodka, not gin, which can only lead to tears: remember your nan every Christmas?

Big windows, overlooking the Albert Dock, will give you something to ponder when you can't meet their gaze. Afterwards a load of retail therapy, just next door in Liverpool One, will work wonders in erasing you forever. Blanking you? They'll be thanking you.

2) Champu, Beetham Plaza, 25 The Strand, L2. 0151 909 4900
Contrary to popular belief, champagne is not just for couples enjoying the first throes of romance. "Anytime is a fine time for bubbly," say Champu, and that includes those sayonara moments.

Therefore, why not treat your ex-to-be to some quality fizz, perhaps a bottle of Bollinger Special Cuvée (£85) in the hospitality of the city's favourite crimper, Herbert?

As a hairdresser, Herbert's heard a few sob stories while on the bob, and here at Champu, just like his fashionable Bling Bling salon, you have to make an appointment to go. However, the sumptuous settees and understated lighting are a world away from the stark reality of a curly blow.

Just the stylish cushion for that “we-need-to-talk” moment, as you tip an ice bucket over their heart.

3) The Curzon Club, 8 Temple Lane, L2. 0151 236 5160
The golden rule of splitting with someone is not to tell them why. If you tell them they're sexually unattractive and crap in bed, they'll only try to improve and beg for a second chance. This is not what you want, so make sure the "It's not you, it's me,” gambit is applied swiftly and early.

A good place to exercise this with 100% guarantee is The Curzon Club. Try meeting and greeting the now-former-object-of-your-desire in the bar, sporting a pair of transparent hotpants and a wavy new hairstyle (see #2 for the best place to achieve the latter), accompanied by an innuendo-laden “what are you having?”. It might come as a shock, seeing you in this new light, but your ex will one day accept that “it was for the best” and even respect you for your candour.

Obviously this one works better if you are a bloke. But you never know: whatever your inclinations, by the end of the night the term “exit strategy” may have acquired an entirely new meaning.

4. Baa Bar, 43-45 Fleet Street, L1. 0151 707 0610.
Tricky, this one, but the budget choice. Cheap shots will be flying - and not just from the tired and emotional dumpee.

On the one hand, it is so loud that you will walk away with your self esteem intact as you will not be able to hear them say “You total f***ing knob”, or “My sister said you were a slut...” as your carefully chosen words and explanations are drowned out by the sound system.

On the other hand, they may not be able to hear what you are saying in the first place. If they do, and if they get violent, like in space, no one will hear you scream. Tricky, yes, but good for taxis if you need a quick getaway. The parting shot, in every sense.

5. The Pilgrim, Pilgrim Street, L1. 0151 709 2302
Spacious booths, for quiet chat, mark the Pilgrim out as a top choice for conversations that start “...It's like this...” and notwithstanding that it is full of students, no one will notice if voices are raised.

Best of all, no karaoke, so your insignificant other will not be able to get up and dedicate their perfect, crowd-stopping angst-ridden version of Nothing Compares to U while the whole pub stares at you with contempt.

And if Saturday night was the last straw, remember you can also “do a dump” over Sunday breakfast at the Pilgrim, with bargain prices for a full English.

But beware its cellar location: One Liverpool Confidential writer recalls: “I once dumped someone in The Pilgrim but left my handbag on the table and they could see my humiliated legs coming back down the steps.”