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Dream Men at The Birdcage

Stacy Yields gets screaming about men with it all hanging out

Published on December 3rd 2009.


Dream Men at The Birdcage

Men can do some pretty amazing things with their bodies. They can run faster than the speed of sound, they can walk in straight lines, they can dangle upside down on climbing frames and they can also tango. With their minds, they can solve dead hard sudoku, find cures for dreadful illnesses and think of funny jokes. Boys are well good; men are better.

The Dream Men establish what becomes the core move of their every routine: the pelvic thrust. They are really into thrusting. Ooh ooh. Bang bang. Yeah maaaan. This thrusting is on another level though. It is an exaggerated thrust - over a metre is being spanned by their pelvises. To be on the receiving end of one of those would surely knock you into the middle of next week.

They often do things to impress other people, especially if sex is on the cards. Charm levels are increased, jokes are embellished with hilarious accents and much bullshit is spoken. But it's okay. No one minds really. Everyone has to showcase their personality from time to time.

Dream Men have personalities. They have feelings too.

Before the Dream Men show on Sunday, I was sat in Cafe Rouge having a lukewarm hot chocolate, musing upon my own version of a 'Dream Man.' This is what I'm looking for:

  1. Good sense of humour
  2. Very intelligent
  3. Skilled
  4. Good with money
  5. Independent
  6. Fun
  7. Gentlemanly
  8. Practical
  9. Decisive
  10. Not completely hideous to look at

So, a show that contains men who encompass these attributes? And takes their clothes off? Is that my dream, especially if they do it on stage. Is it? Not sure.

A guy who'd come over to you and engage you in a brilliant conversation about something really funny before lending you their jacket and making sure you get home safely, would be nice. But I already know that the Dream Men in question are not going to do that. I'm not delusional. They're going to prance around onstage and take their clothes off. I imagine they'll be dressed in 'sexy' stereotypes: firemen, soldiers, 007…

The Dream Men are on at the Birdcage, a venue which is a beacon for fun of that risque ilk. It's actually all right inside, well laid out, with pink lighting and a decent sound system. We get in there a little after 8pm and the place is already filling up with ladies. Because it's ladies night ('gays are allowed' as well, the doorman informs me). The music is all hi-NRG and 90s R&B/diva cheese. And there's an Ann Summers corner should you want to buy a really cheppy arse candle.

At about 9.45pm, the compere finally arrives onstage having been introduced by a tranny who has 'changed her knickers six times already' and assures us that the Dream Men are 'hung like rhinos' and are going to 'waft their cocks at us.' He invites us 'to scream our tits off' this results in a health and safety audio crisis, such is the level of high frequency screams emitted by the 750 women in the audience. If you've never been surrounded by hundreds of women screaming their tits off trust me, it's ground-shaking, or rather safety glass shattering.

The Dream Men must be heroes if they can take that every night before they go on stage. They must have...er...balls. Finally the compere shouts 'never fear, the Dream Men are here' and the said lads get their arses onstage.

The X Factor music booms out of the stereo followed by a mash-up of 'I Like to Move it (Move It) and three fellows dressed in what look like Robocop costumes appear onstage. Everyone guffaws. They are wearing ski-masks, body harnesses a la He-Man and protective motorcycle trousers. Tee-hee. They do a lot of macho walking around the stage before ripping off their ski masks to reveal actual faces. They're all right. The audience are screaming and laughing in a frenzied way. It's all a bit mad.

The Dream Men establish what becomes the core move of their every routine: the pelvic thrust. They are really into thrusting. Ooh ooh. Bang bang. Yeah maaaan. This thrusting is on another level though. It is an exaggerated thrust - over a metre is being spanned by their pelvises. To be on the receiving end of one of those would surely knock you into the middle of next week. They also do a lot of the press-up positions shagging the floor.

After this there's 'All The Way Jay' who is, dressed as a fireman. He does a routine which involves the Benny Hill theme and a prosthetic penis which he masturbates, sending sprays of water into the screaming audience. The next lot, actually the same lot, are dressed as soldiers. They do a routine to a Clash song and then take their trousers off, they're wearing sexy, tight black shorts and boots which is a good look.

The show goes on, through the guffaws and screams of wild partying women. There's an interval after 40 minutes give or take. And then the men come back on, putting the naked 'man' back into Manchester. They become Cocks of the North. They go, yes they go gentlefolks, full Monty.

And when that first todger pops out to say hello to the ladies in the Birdcage, well the building sort of suffers a minor feminine thermo-nuclear explosion and goes into orbit. To learn what really happens in the confines of the club when the shorts drop has to be experienced in real life – if that's your thing.

This is an entertainment that's not for everyone, no pale literary sorts here please. But if you like a raunchy old fashioned music hall knees up (and cocks out) then get yourself down here. It's all going on - and all for £8.

The Dream Men are back (and crack and sack) at the Birdcage this Sunday 6 December from 8pm. www.birdcagelive.com

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helenDecember 3rd 2009.

Brilliantly written and hilarious article. Agree with writer - what you want in a man is intelligence, humour and talent - and preferably all without ego. (If he's got no ego he'll be great at sex anyway). But the pictures of these men - Yuck yuck yuck. I'd sooner yank my own head off that have to get naked with one of these...

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