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Ruritanian State Christmas Ball

Exclusive: Crown Prince Harpik announces a grand party

Published on November 24th 2011.

Ruritanian State Christmas Ball

LIVERPOOL has long been the home of choice for immigrants, students, ne’er do wells and people from Northampton.

We tell you nothing new.

But, occasionally, Liverpool Confidential feels the need to exclusively reveal that there is a genuine royal bloodline residing here too.

The city, more specifically Smithdown Road, remains the home of several generations of the exiled royal family of  Ruritania whose members fled the troubled country during  the revolution  of 1879.

(Click here to add text)Most of you won’t be aware of that at all, especially those of you who obsess under the misapprehension that  WAGs,  footballers and the stars of the tubular box Hollyoaks are the glitterati..

Unlike other minor courts, members of the Ruritanian house of Harpiku did not leave their wealth or lifestyle behind. Their opulent and somewhat questionable excesses travelled with them across the Balkans, as did 140 noblemen, women and servants. 

Down the years, its members and their descendents have gathered sporadically to celebrate the old country with gigantic balls. These events were inspired "only by reality" and Harpik is very disparaging of "copyists" who ran Viennese balls under the Capital of Culture banner in 2008, where people wore dinner jackets.

We asked for a statement after suddenly wondering what the hell they were up to and got this:

Imperial Ruritanian Bureau of Information anouncement

"From the Imperial Ruritanian Bureau of Information, a response has been issued to Liverpool Confidential's request for the Story of the Crown Prince's Balls:

"It has come to our attention that a minor provincial plutocracy masterminded by a coterie of corrupt self-serving lunatics has transgressed the bounds of decency by giving (in the recent year of 2008) a 'Ball'. This farcical entertainment, supposed to be Viennese in conception but in reality a parade of beige doltishness, was considered by all the exiled Ruritanian elite to represent a travesty of the Mittel European style.

"The Crown Prince of Ruritania, living in the unsafe seat of Riverside for the duration of political turmoil in his Homeland (but missing dearly the iron beauty of the Ruritanian Mountains!) has suffered the pain of witnessing inflated buffoonery for too long.

"It therefore brings His Majesty to a state of deep joy that we may announce to the Liverpolitan World the forthcoming:

Grand State Ball
17th December, 2011. Victoria Gallery and Museum,
Brownlow Hill. 7pm prompt.

"This is to be held at a venue of great elegance from the belle epoche.

"It will feature a hearty welcome with Mittel European food and a live orchestra playing waltzes, marches and popular tunes for the edification of the grateful masses. Five-a-side gargling, sausage matching and other entertainments to be revealed."

Dress code:
  •         Ruritanian Military No. 1 Dress
  •         Folkloristic Ruritanian costume
  •         White Tie and Tails
  •         Evening gowns
  •         Folkloristic Ruritanian costume
  •        Tiaras and Pearls in abundance


DENIM in ALL FORMS and Casual Wear. Dinner jackets / black tie are considered unacceptable for wear to State Balls. They are for casinos.

All of which is a long way of saying that the legendary Arthur "Count Von Essen" Black and his cohorts are staging another Grand State Ruritanian Christmas Ball that wil be uttlerly fabulous. We attended the one at at the end of 1999 and it was the talk of the town, oohh, well into the next century.

To buy tickets (£26) email them or visit here and do it the long winded way.

Go with ze open mind, ze open wallet and ze open...

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19 comments so far, continue the conversation, write a comment.

Cunt Bonjela von LipsylNovember 24th 2011.

The Crown Prince is plainly addled. The fabric 'denim' is for the trousers of plumbers and wild west cowboys.

2 Responses: Reply To This...
Count Bonjela von LipsylNovember 24th 2011.

Oops a typing error. I have had my secretary shot. Please delete

The Duchess of PlinthNovember 25th 2011.

I am appalled

Count Bonjela von LipsylNovember 24th 2011.

The Crown Prince is plainly addled. The fabric 'denim' is for the trousers of plumbers and wild west cowboys.

Lilian ChapmanNovember 24th 2011.

anyone wishing to purchase a Tiara from the fair hand of the master tiara maker from the Alternative Miss Liverpool contactme! asap!

Ignaty GrynievietskyNovember 26th 2011.

Anyone wishing to purchase a spherical bomb with a smoking fuse and the word 'BOMB' painted on it to hurl at the tyrant Harpik should contact me.

1 Response: Reply To This...
AnonymousNovember 26th 2011.


Markgraf von SwissrölNovember 26th 2011.

Will His Majesty be wearing his famous 'tracky' and fashion plimsolls?

The Duchess of PlinthNovember 26th 2011.

Oh dear....

Herr SplinkNovember 26th 2011.

Yes - he iss truly 'king of ze road' like ein tramp! Yes? Is very funny yes? Who says we chermans heff no sense of humour?

Kevin DonovanNovember 26th 2011.

Just to say this comment appears to have been allowed!

AnonymousNovember 26th 2011.

I take it Strengel that you and His Royal Highness have had a bit of a do?

Salad DazeNovember 27th 2011.

Seems I've been let back in...

Grand AdmiralNovember 28th 2011.

Let the tadpoles mate & be merry and the whole happy willage be landlocked

AnonymousDecember 6th 2011.


Blessed be the friendly people of the godly city of Liverpool...

AnonymousDecember 13th 2011.

word has it that Baron Von Strengle is NOT attending the ball!!!!

Angie SammonsDecember 13th 2011.

Has he taken the huff? And can you sort me out a frock "Anonymous".

1 Response: Reply To This...
AnonymousDecember 14th 2011.

i have 2 dresses here depending on your size madame? x

THe Nangwand of NangwampAugust 22nd 2013.

Calumny! That cur Harpik!

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